> Greetings and be well. This is Sky Sports News in Quantum Definition and welcome to our end of season review. We're delighted to be joined by ex Deimos manager Giuseppe Bacci..
> Greetings and be well.
> MK I Football unit Johnny Click..
> Greetings and be well.
> And Paul Mersons head in a jar.
> All right lads!
> We'll start with you Giuseppe, because of the Martian connection. With Phobos winning the title and Deimos finishing as runners up, how much do you think the Martian derbies had an effect on this years title chase?
> Well, obviously they are going to be hard fought games given the fan base of Deimos with its mine workers, and Phobos with their more middle class support, but I think both teams had a strategy over the season to maximize the advantages over the earth bound teams...
> Huh! Advantages..
> Paul Mersons head in a jar, you disagree?
> Yes I bloody do. They're obviously flaunting the rules by training at Martian low gravity, the dog on the street knows it, still the FA do nothing..
> Everythings gravity with you..
> Listen mate I've been in the game a lot longer than you, I've seen all the strokes you Martians pull.
> I am 164 years old and have never seen any gravity cheating by any of our Martian teams..
> I'm flippin' over a thousand years old you little..
> Yeah! But you are just a head, a part of your body you never used during your playing years ironically..
> Now now chaps, Johnny Click, your opinion?
> Yeah right! Lets ask the flippin' washing machine shall we..
> Hey, click, thats machinism!!
> Please everybody can we get back to the matter in hand? Johnny Click, what do you think of the new MK VI 'Indestructible' football units the teams have employed this season?
> Well, Jeff, its click obviously the next generation in the evolution of football. These new MK IV units are indeed click indestructible, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of the game. And even though click the rules limit teams to 2 units per season, they are the future of the game.
> And how do you respond to allegations that City of Manchester United used their units to effectively cheat in the Premiership this season?
> Well click they may have bent the rules slightly but..
> Come on now Johnny Click, the tactic of making your units accelerate to near light speed near the end of games when you need a last minute goal..
> I click dont know what you're implying..
> I mean slowing down time until you score..
> And they have the cheek to accuse us Martians of gravity cheating!
> Excuse me Giuseppe, I click never accused you of cheating..
> Ok, moving on, Paul Mersons head in a jar, what about North London Arsenals season, 3rd place will the fans be happy with that?
> Well I suppose it was a reasonable season for us, I still think we need a goalkeeper and a decent centre half to just push on, and of course the incidents at Stokeingham Rovers in December didn't help.
> Ah yes when your two MK IV units collided and blew up!
> Exactly.
> And what of Tottenham Hotspur Moon Base Epsilon?
> Well, mid table and I have to say building a 60,000 seat stadium on the Moon that has only a population of 5,000 looks as ill advised as the Madrid air disaster when Peter Crouch 'had a go' at flying the plane.
> How click long is it now since they won the top flight?
> One thousand and fifty years Johnny.
> Yes, the fans are getting impatient!
> Speaking of impatience Giuseppe, Liverpool, yet another change of ownership, runners up in the FA cup to Glasgow City?
> Well Jeff it goes to show that a computer can't run a football club, even if it is programmed with Shankly X2 software, its still only a machine.
> click There you go again..
> Well unfortunately we've run out of time folks. Do stay tuned to Sky Sports News in Quantum Definition, coming up next Inter-galactic Anti-Grav Hockey with Jimmy Hill..until next time goodnight!
> Anyone fancy a pint?
> Oooh! click can I come?
> Course you can mate, you can carry me head!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Return of Ted Drake.
Oh! the excitement, an audience with Arsene Wenger, I have arrived. At last people are starting to take me seriously, fuck the begrudgers, a momentous occasion and Arsene chose me, yes me!
As I wound my through the expectant ambulances at London Colney, I was palpably, shaking with excitement. I caught sight of the great man resplendent in the spring sunshine, arms folded locked in conversation with a well dressed man with a clipboard who listened attentively. I couldn't help but eavesdrop..
> Yes, we have had setbacks, but I firmly believe that we have the conviction and the strength to fulfill the promise of these young players, I believe we have the character to fulfill our destiny, and we have the mentality and the fight to do so.
> Erm...thanks very much!
Arsene turned and greeted me with a friendly smile and a firm handshake.
> Hello John welcome to Arsenal.
> I'm sorry I'm a bit early Arsene, I didn't realise you had other interviews.
> Who him? No he's just here to read the meter, shall we get some lunch?
The plush executive dining room was empty, save for an extremely fat gentleman in a Man Utd shirt who appeared to be eating a whole calf with chips, he looked over towards Arsene and made a throat cutting gesture. A very surly waitress took our orders. Arsene had...
> A bowl, I believe, of strength and character, and we have targets certainly, and while there may be setbacks we have, I believe, the character in this team, of Oxtail soup, please.
I just had coffee. On with the interview...
> So Arsene, out of three competitions, long list of injuries, season in the balance, what hope can you give to the fans that we're not going to end this season empty handed?
> Well, I believe this team has the strength to go on and fulfill their belief and their strength and that is one of their strengths. We will be stronger and have learned lessons to have the character and the strength to be strong, and we firmly believe that we have the self belief to be strong and that's why we have signed Ted Drake until the end of the season, for his strength....Ha I see you choke in surprise and admiration .
> Ted Drake?
> Yes, a very strong player with character and strength. We have a very young team, strong with belief, and I believe the strength of our belief will show our character and strength, with Ted who was strong and full of character, and self belief.
> But isn't he dead?
> Yes, and obviously a few games away from match fitness ( regular readers will see what I did there ) but I firmly believe he will make a big contribution to the rest of the season due to his strength and his self belief.
> But Arsene, the fans have been crying out for investment in this team, how will you justify this to them?
> Ted Drake, I believe, was one of the most successful strikers of this club, with his strength and his belief, and that is what I want my players to have, that enthusiasm and character and belief!
> So will you start him straight away?
> Good God no! We are going to give him his own Twitter account.
> Twitter?
> Yes! I believe when things are going badly for the team, when the fans don't believe, then our strength will be pictures of Ted Drake with his shirt off and pictures of him and Jack Wilshere playing FIFA 11, this I believe is what our fans want.
> But thats crazy...
> Is it? I've just re-signed Lehmann, and he's retired!!
> But Arsene with ticket prices about to rise next season what do you say to those fans who think any profits should be reinvested in the squad?
> Ah, but they have. The board have taken the profits from last year and backed us to win the Premiership at 7/1!!
> Thank you Arsene, and by the way that fat bloke just spat in your soup!!
As I wound my through the expectant ambulances at London Colney, I was palpably, shaking with excitement. I caught sight of the great man resplendent in the spring sunshine, arms folded locked in conversation with a well dressed man with a clipboard who listened attentively. I couldn't help but eavesdrop..
> Yes, we have had setbacks, but I firmly believe that we have the conviction and the strength to fulfill the promise of these young players, I believe we have the character to fulfill our destiny, and we have the mentality and the fight to do so.
> Erm...thanks very much!
Arsene turned and greeted me with a friendly smile and a firm handshake.
> Hello John welcome to Arsenal.
> I'm sorry I'm a bit early Arsene, I didn't realise you had other interviews.
> Who him? No he's just here to read the meter, shall we get some lunch?
The plush executive dining room was empty, save for an extremely fat gentleman in a Man Utd shirt who appeared to be eating a whole calf with chips, he looked over towards Arsene and made a throat cutting gesture. A very surly waitress took our orders. Arsene had...
> A bowl, I believe, of strength and character, and we have targets certainly, and while there may be setbacks we have, I believe, the character in this team, of Oxtail soup, please.
I just had coffee. On with the interview...
> So Arsene, out of three competitions, long list of injuries, season in the balance, what hope can you give to the fans that we're not going to end this season empty handed?
> Well, I believe this team has the strength to go on and fulfill their belief and their strength and that is one of their strengths. We will be stronger and have learned lessons to have the character and the strength to be strong, and we firmly believe that we have the self belief to be strong and that's why we have signed Ted Drake until the end of the season, for his strength....Ha I see you choke in surprise and admiration .
> Ted Drake?
> Yes, a very strong player with character and strength. We have a very young team, strong with belief, and I believe the strength of our belief will show our character and strength, with Ted who was strong and full of character, and self belief.
> But isn't he dead?
> Yes, and obviously a few games away from match fitness ( regular readers will see what I did there ) but I firmly believe he will make a big contribution to the rest of the season due to his strength and his self belief.
> But Arsene, the fans have been crying out for investment in this team, how will you justify this to them?
> Ted Drake, I believe, was one of the most successful strikers of this club, with his strength and his belief, and that is what I want my players to have, that enthusiasm and character and belief!
> So will you start him straight away?
> Good God no! We are going to give him his own Twitter account.
> Twitter?
> Yes! I believe when things are going badly for the team, when the fans don't believe, then our strength will be pictures of Ted Drake with his shirt off and pictures of him and Jack Wilshere playing FIFA 11, this I believe is what our fans want.
> But thats crazy...
> Is it? I've just re-signed Lehmann, and he's retired!!
> But Arsene with ticket prices about to rise next season what do you say to those fans who think any profits should be reinvested in the squad?
> Ah, but they have. The board have taken the profits from last year and backed us to win the Premiership at 7/1!!
> Thank you Arsene, and by the way that fat bloke just spat in your soup!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
So Who Really Controls Football? Science or God!
I know this may come as a surprise to some, but there was a time when football didn't exist. Then, two blokes in a pub wondered if you filled a pigs bladder with air could you kick it about? They took their idea to Jules Rimet and football was born. Ok, so I skipped a bit!
But when did God start taking an interest in the beautiful game, surely the omnipotent one is far to busy to care about how Scunthorpe are doing on a Saturday? Still it seems a lot of people firmly believe He really does care about football and takes an active interest in every game.
I am an Atheist and I firmly believe, God or luck or the fact that you're wearing particular underpants, has absolutely no bearing on the fact that you're playing Stoke away. I mean how could it. It's totally illogical and stupid when you think about it.
As I write the news is full of the terrible devastation in Japan and it serves as a timely reminder of the tenuous grip we have on existence, on this tiny rock hurtling through the vastness of Space. Some people are saying that this puts things into perspective. That in the face of such calamities football is unimportant and trivial. Well I disagree, it's at times like these that football is incredibly important. What a glorious affirmation of existence it is, how it draws us all together and indeed how could God ignore it?
While we as supporters have superstitions we are way behind the players themselves, like Paul Ince who wouldn't put his shirt on until he was on the pitch or Lineker refusing to take shots on goal during the warm up, it begs the question, what does it say about a game that relies on skill, fitness and technique that the participants think they need luck as well. All those years training, building strength and fitness, endless hours honing technique, ultimately rely on the foibles of some mischievous deity? And if God does indeed take an interest in football exactly who does he support? Is he for one team over another? Is he a 'band-wagoner', simply favouring the flavour of the month? Or is he just a cheeky fucker messing with our heads? The great armies of the world throughout history all claimed He was on their side. Is football the same? If we score an OG against Spurs is He a Spurs fan and vice versa?
The South African golfer Gary Player famously once said "the more I practice the luckier I get!", and there's the answer right there. In football, nine times out of ten, the better team with the more skillful players will invariably win. You may have exceptions like Cup games but is this not simply an inferior team raising their game against a superior opposition dropping theirs?
With extensive tactical, physical and dietary regimes being put into action by most clubs, science is coming more and more to the fore. I read somewhere recently that footballers may be 'chipped' to enable clubs to have an ongoing and up to date assessment on any players physical condition, allowing them to pre-empt any injuries or dietary problems that may occur.
So what next? Will there come a time when the players are replaced with machines, flawless robots who are never injured, cognizant enough in physics to be able to control trajectory and probability, to take the game to its purest form, where the team with the best engineers will always win, where there will be no more room for God!!
My point is this, football is beautiful, exciting and compelling because it is flawed. It is flawed because we play it and follow it and we are flawed. The Ref, the Linesman, the whole organisation, flawed. The day it becomes perfect in every way is the day it will cease to exist as a sport, then it will be down to two blokes in a pub to come up with something else which we will force God to take an interest in.
So support your fabulously flawed team, and remember that the fact that they're not perfect is the reason you support them in the first place.
And heres to knocking Utd out of the Cup this weekend. We have the better players so we should win easily.
Fingers Crossed!!. COYG.
But when did God start taking an interest in the beautiful game, surely the omnipotent one is far to busy to care about how Scunthorpe are doing on a Saturday? Still it seems a lot of people firmly believe He really does care about football and takes an active interest in every game.
I am an Atheist and I firmly believe, God or luck or the fact that you're wearing particular underpants, has absolutely no bearing on the fact that you're playing Stoke away. I mean how could it. It's totally illogical and stupid when you think about it.
As I write the news is full of the terrible devastation in Japan and it serves as a timely reminder of the tenuous grip we have on existence, on this tiny rock hurtling through the vastness of Space. Some people are saying that this puts things into perspective. That in the face of such calamities football is unimportant and trivial. Well I disagree, it's at times like these that football is incredibly important. What a glorious affirmation of existence it is, how it draws us all together and indeed how could God ignore it?
While we as supporters have superstitions we are way behind the players themselves, like Paul Ince who wouldn't put his shirt on until he was on the pitch or Lineker refusing to take shots on goal during the warm up, it begs the question, what does it say about a game that relies on skill, fitness and technique that the participants think they need luck as well. All those years training, building strength and fitness, endless hours honing technique, ultimately rely on the foibles of some mischievous deity? And if God does indeed take an interest in football exactly who does he support? Is he for one team over another? Is he a 'band-wagoner', simply favouring the flavour of the month? Or is he just a cheeky fucker messing with our heads? The great armies of the world throughout history all claimed He was on their side. Is football the same? If we score an OG against Spurs is He a Spurs fan and vice versa?
The South African golfer Gary Player famously once said "the more I practice the luckier I get!", and there's the answer right there. In football, nine times out of ten, the better team with the more skillful players will invariably win. You may have exceptions like Cup games but is this not simply an inferior team raising their game against a superior opposition dropping theirs?
With extensive tactical, physical and dietary regimes being put into action by most clubs, science is coming more and more to the fore. I read somewhere recently that footballers may be 'chipped' to enable clubs to have an ongoing and up to date assessment on any players physical condition, allowing them to pre-empt any injuries or dietary problems that may occur.
So what next? Will there come a time when the players are replaced with machines, flawless robots who are never injured, cognizant enough in physics to be able to control trajectory and probability, to take the game to its purest form, where the team with the best engineers will always win, where there will be no more room for God!!
My point is this, football is beautiful, exciting and compelling because it is flawed. It is flawed because we play it and follow it and we are flawed. The Ref, the Linesman, the whole organisation, flawed. The day it becomes perfect in every way is the day it will cease to exist as a sport, then it will be down to two blokes in a pub to come up with something else which we will force God to take an interest in.
So support your fabulously flawed team, and remember that the fact that they're not perfect is the reason you support them in the first place.
And heres to knocking Utd out of the Cup this weekend. We have the better players so we should win easily.
Fingers Crossed!!. COYG.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Please, Please, Please, Let me get what I want, this time!!
What a hectic week, first there was Wembley Sunday and the abject, crushing misery compounded by Man Utd fans and other 'neutrals' abusing me wholesale in the pub. Now I know there is nothing sweeter than another football fans' pain and I shouldn't have bitten but I did, shamefully. I 'd like to apologize to good friends that I called 'stupid cunts' on Sunday, sorry. I'm not going to waste time analysing our performance other more qualified bloggers have already done so and I suggest you seek them out. Its a shit trophy anyway and was never going to make our season and neither is it going to break it.
Alas, poor Ashley, oh dear, how unfair! Wayne Rooney gets away with assault in front of the worlds media and Cole gets pilloried for shooting a trainee in private. What is the world coming to when a brave, skillful and proud English Lion can't shoot who he wants when ever he wants! Is that democracy...? Broken Britain. Anyway as a wise man once said "People don't kill people, Guns kill people"!!...no hang on....Yes!
Wednesday morning Buddhists everywhere were walking around with smug faces going on about karma and stuff as Man Utd's 'Invincibles' lost another game and everything was again right with the world. The fact that there were dodgy decisions from the ref would normally surprise nobody, but the fact that they didn't go Utd's way was astounding. An apoplectic Ferguson ranted about how the Ref was biased (ie not biased toward them) and failed to spot an 'assault' on golden boy Rooney. Its a pity the spineless media hadn't the guts to just say to him "You're a fucking hypocrite". It wouldnt surprise me if Fergie starts bombing his own fans while insisting they all still love him and theres no trouble at all at the club. Utd face a tough trip to Anfield now without their best player (Vidic) and I fancy 'Pool to turn them over...please ...please!
After Irelands heroics in the Cricket World cup I was hoping the back pages wouldn't be all 'Day of the Underdog' and stuff but we easily dispatched Leyton Orient out of the Cup, with a Nicky B hat trick for good measure, fair play to the O's for at least trying to play football and not resorting to GBH! I must give honourable mention to Ignasi Miquel who was brilliant in both games, definitely one for the future.
Kolo, say it ain't so!! Shock all around when the story broke about Kolo Toure failing a drug test but as details are sketchy we shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Some are saying it was a harmless cold remedy but surely the players are well briefed on what they can and can't take or else whats the point of having a medical staff in the first place? Wenger is saying he might have taken one of his wifes diet pills which could have happened I suppose, I mean who hasn't taken one of their wives or partners contraceptive pills to 'see' what would happen...eh?....eh? ...No one ? I see. If he is guilty then he should receive the maximum punishment. The FA must send out a clear message to young people that drug taking will not be tolerated, assaults and shootings are fine but Drugs...Just say no! kids just say no!
Wouldn't it be great to wake Monday just 1 point behind in the title race, the World full of sunshine and peace and suicidal Man Utd fans and Fergie banned and full of indignation resigning with immediate effect and a fully fit Cesc and the medical team realising that there was nothing wrong with Theo and RVP after all and both were ready to go against Barca and Messi had fallen down some steps and his leg had somehow fallen off...........Ah Carlsberg dont do lagers..but if they did....if only they did!!
Alas, poor Ashley, oh dear, how unfair! Wayne Rooney gets away with assault in front of the worlds media and Cole gets pilloried for shooting a trainee in private. What is the world coming to when a brave, skillful and proud English Lion can't shoot who he wants when ever he wants! Is that democracy...? Broken Britain. Anyway as a wise man once said "People don't kill people, Guns kill people"!!...no hang on....Yes!
Wednesday morning Buddhists everywhere were walking around with smug faces going on about karma and stuff as Man Utd's 'Invincibles' lost another game and everything was again right with the world. The fact that there were dodgy decisions from the ref would normally surprise nobody, but the fact that they didn't go Utd's way was astounding. An apoplectic Ferguson ranted about how the Ref was biased (ie not biased toward them) and failed to spot an 'assault' on golden boy Rooney. Its a pity the spineless media hadn't the guts to just say to him "You're a fucking hypocrite". It wouldnt surprise me if Fergie starts bombing his own fans while insisting they all still love him and theres no trouble at all at the club. Utd face a tough trip to Anfield now without their best player (Vidic) and I fancy 'Pool to turn them over...please ...please!
After Irelands heroics in the Cricket World cup I was hoping the back pages wouldn't be all 'Day of the Underdog' and stuff but we easily dispatched Leyton Orient out of the Cup, with a Nicky B hat trick for good measure, fair play to the O's for at least trying to play football and not resorting to GBH! I must give honourable mention to Ignasi Miquel who was brilliant in both games, definitely one for the future.
Kolo, say it ain't so!! Shock all around when the story broke about Kolo Toure failing a drug test but as details are sketchy we shouldn't jump to any conclusions. Some are saying it was a harmless cold remedy but surely the players are well briefed on what they can and can't take or else whats the point of having a medical staff in the first place? Wenger is saying he might have taken one of his wifes diet pills which could have happened I suppose, I mean who hasn't taken one of their wives or partners contraceptive pills to 'see' what would happen...eh?....eh? ...No one ? I see. If he is guilty then he should receive the maximum punishment. The FA must send out a clear message to young people that drug taking will not be tolerated, assaults and shootings are fine but Drugs...Just say no! kids just say no!
Wouldn't it be great to wake Monday just 1 point behind in the title race, the World full of sunshine and peace and suicidal Man Utd fans and Fergie banned and full of indignation resigning with immediate effect and a fully fit Cesc and the medical team realising that there was nothing wrong with Theo and RVP after all and both were ready to go against Barca and Messi had fallen down some steps and his leg had somehow fallen off...........Ah Carlsberg dont do lagers..but if they did....if only they did!!
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