The Arsenal dressing room, empty except for the assistant coach, Steve
Baldrick, he is busy stuffing the players clothes into a wheeled hamper clearly
marked “Kit Only”. Enter the manager,
Arsene Blackadder, who promptly kicks a chair across the room.
Baldrick
Good win then Mr B?
Blackadder
Yes Baldrick, if you’re
talking about the “who can concede the stupidest goal competition” then we won
hands down. The football match however,
we lost 5-0!
Baldrick
Oh! Bugger.
Blackadder
Bugger indeed, and
now I have to go and face the esteemed gentlemen of the press, who know as much
about football as Sir Alex Ferguson knows about magnanimity.
Baldrick
Well I don’t know
much about Magnum Mini’s myself but I’ll face the press if you like?
Blackadder
The only press I’d
let you face Baldrick, is my trouser press, and then if it was set to extra hot
and you had your tackle out!
Baldrick
Suit yourself.
A commotion is heard outside; enter the club captain, George Hill-Wood.
George
With a hip and a hip
and a bally hooorah! I say boss we soon
showed them what’s what eh?
Blackadder
We lost George.
George
Only just boss, only
just. If the Umpire hadn’t ruled out my
try when I went over in the corner, we’d have kicked the conversion and then
sucks to you, you Chelsea upstarts!
Blackadder
We were playing Fulham,
George.
George
Nevertheless our
supporters were magnificent today. Why as
I was leaving the pitch one shouted “Hill-Wood you are an Arsenal legend”
Blackadder
Yes George, I think
you’ll find he shouted “Hill-Wood you are an arse, leg end”
George
Oh I see. Anyway what did you think of the performance
overall?
Blackadder
Well let’s see. Our tactics were as incisive and intelligent
as a piece of Robbie Savage punditry. And
our overall strategy was as well thought out as the marketing strategy of a man
selling “Tottenham Champions of England” t-shirts! Other than that we weren’t too bad.
George
Well hurrah! Let’s all upstairs and tell Uncle!
Blackadder
What, are you
mad? The last person I want to see now
is the Chairman.
George
He wants to see us
straight away, I expect he wants to congratulate us on today’s performance.
Blackadder
I’m dead!
The Chairman’s cavernous office.
The trio are greeted by the CEO Ivan Darling, who has a self satisfied
smirk on his face!
Blackadder
Problem Darling?
Darling
Smile all you want
Blackadder, but Lord Hill-Wood saw that travesty today, your days are numbered!
Blackadder
Given that Lord
Hill-Wood is as close to football as the ball is to the pitch at the Britannia
Stadium during a Stoke City attack, I feel pretty safe.
Darling
We’ll see,
Blackadder. We’ll see.
Arsenal’s esteemed Chairman Lord Peter Hill-Wood enters and takes his
seat behind his enormous desk.
George
What ho Uncle! Good innings by the chaps today, eh?
Lord PHW
Shut up you feeble
minded arse. Blackadder what was the
meaning of that absolute pile of shit out there today? Explain yourself man, why was Van Persie not
brought on?
Blackadder
Well two reasons my Lord;
he has a slight ankle knock although it’s nothing serious...
Lord PHW
I don’t see how that would
prevent him doing a job against Fulham, the other reason?
Blackadder
We sold him to Man
Utd.
Lord PHW
God’s bollocks!! Are you
mad Sir? What blithering idiot
sanctioned that?
Blackadder
Over to you Darling.
Darling
But...but....my Lord,
when he wanted more money you told me to flog him to Man U!
Lord PHW
I said “You man, flog
him!” you arse, give him a good thrashing, and beat some sense into him,
honestly Darling! Come on Blackadder,
what options have we left attacking wise?
Blackadder
Well attacking wise,
my Lord, we have a small, fat, wheezy Russian, a mad Moroccan pipe smoker and a
North Korean attacker so ineffectual at attacking that he was turned down by
the North Korean army, specifically their suicide squad.
Lord PHW
Damn it Blackadder we
have very little money to spend on new players, you know how obsessed the
American is at cutting down costs. The annual
Christmas dinner is coming up we need to get rid of more of the fringe players. Cut the wage bill.
Blackadder
Actually my Lord, the
PFA have been protesting about our treatment of the lesser squad members.
Lord PHW
Specifically?
Blackadder
Specifically, us
eating them at the annual Christmas dinner.
Lord PHW
Damn their eyes the
interfering busybodies, I’ll never forget the problems they gave me over that
Samir Nasri situation.
Blackadder
Well you were riding
him out to hounds my Lord.
Lord PHW
Yes damn it, well
think of something what do I pay you for?
George
I say, Uncle why don’t
we employ a false 9, they’re all the rage on the Continent I believe.
Lord PHW
Tell me more George,
what’s a false 9?
George
Well, the chap at
silly mid-off slips behind the scrum half and then, no, hang on that’s not it.
Blackadder
Might I interject my
Lord, but a false 9 requires a player of extraordinary skill with an acute
positional sense...
Baldrick
Might I eject my
Lord, for I have a cunning plan!
Blackadder
If you will, my Lord,
consider that Baldrick’s last cunning plan was “let’s sign that Squillachi
bloke he looks like he can defend a bit”, I’d take it with a pinch of salt if I
were you.
Lord PHW
Damn it don’t be so
negative Blackadder, let’s hear what the little maggot has to say, come on out
with it man.
Baldrick
Well, when we’re
going forward we commit all our players to the attack, and then just when the
attack looks like it’s breaking down...
Blackadder
Don’t listen my Lord
I beseech you..
Baldrick
We send up our number
6 and just at the last second, he jumps up and stands on his head. Thus making his number 6 into a false 9!!
Lord PHW
Excellent idea, you
see Blackadder this is exactly the forward thinking we need at this club. Come on Darling we’re leaving!
Lord Hill-Wood and Ivan Darling exit, leaving Blackadder in a
contemplative and morose state...
Blackadder
How has it all come
to this? I’ve been in this game too long
now, I cut my managerial teeth at Monaco where I developed young players who
the second they worked out how to kick a ball, sodded off elsewhere for more
cash. I suffered the ignominy of having
to move to Japan to manage a team sponsored by some bloke who’d invented a
digital kettle, and then against all the odds I landed this job. I built Arsenal into a successful side that
were the envy of Europe, brought loads of trophies and moved to a brand new
state of the art stadium. Alas I can do
no more. The club must come first. So I’m going to announce....that Diaby is a
new signing and give myself a flipping huge pay rise!
George
Hooorah!
