The Gold Cannon - Secret Leaked Tapes.

The following transcript, from a tape of last week’s crucial meeting of the “Gold Cannon Group”, was given to me by a prominent member of that organisation, who I will call Mr X.

The Gold Cannon Group, are a protest bloc whose motto is “Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead”.  They have been quietly garnering support amongst disillusioned Arsenal fans, however their aims and opinions in no way reflect the opinions of ClockEnd 5, or any of its affiliates or sponsors.  The tapes have been edited for clarity and brevity.

The Chair > Greetings brothers, and welcome to this emergency meeting to discuss next Saturdays protest march, which we are not involved in, in any way, but which we have decided to cancel...

Ø      Angry murmurs.

Chair > Order Brothers, this decision was not taken lightly, and as we have a lot to get through this evening, let’s press on shall we?

First of all we plan not to assemble in front of the Blackstock pub in Finsbury Park, and then proceed not to march up St Thomas Rd to the stadium where we won’t...Yes what is it brother?

Ø      Pardon me Mr Chairman, but St Thomas Rd gets very busy on match day, may I propose that we not march up Blackstock Rd instead, and not turn off at Ambler Rd?

Chair > Good point brother, we will not march up that route instead.  Can I also stress that this will be a peaceful protest so can you all confine yourselves to simply not chanting when you’re not marching and not to not damage public property, remember at all times who you are not representing.

Ø      Will we be not carrying placards?

Chair > Yes brother, we will not be carrying placards, but I don’t not want to see any of those cheap, hand written, homemade jobs, I bloody hate them.  The committee will not be printing out official placards which I urge you all not to carry, and of course we will not be marching under our official banner, Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead!

Ø      Applause

Chair > I must also inform you that for this protest, while we are not marching we will be joined by members of the group Gooners Against Gravity...

Ø      Angry cries.

Chair > Order! Order! I know we haven’t seen eye to eye with GAG in the past but as Wenger...

Ø      Booing and stamping of feet, cries of Out,Out,Out!

Chair > As Wenger refuses to buy English players who are not constrained by gravity, we will support GAG to stamp gravity out of football.  It’s obvious to everyone in the game that Einstein is a Tottenham supporter and it’s this insidious force that keeps our players rooted to the spot during set pieces.  We demand a UEFA investigation into Ferguson, Redknapp and their ilk who continually get away with gravity week after week.  Now questions..

Ø      When we’re finished not marching and inside the Stadium, do we not boo the players or do we not not boo them?

Chair > Good question brother, I think we’ll leave that up to the individual, it’s up to you to not boo or to not not boo, depending on how you do or don’t feel at the time.  Yes you at the back...

Ø      What have the silent majority said about us not protesting?

Chair > They have not said that they don’t support us unequivocally.

Ø      All of them?

Chair > Well the majority, the majority of the silent majority have not said they don’t fully not support our decision.

No more questions, good.  On to the next item, we have decided not to not support the Barnet FC group “Hands off our club you greedy bastards” on their 24 hour fast next week, so I urge you all not to be at Underhill at 8 pm sharp next Saturday...Yes brother?

Ø      Will be allowed to not bring soup?

Chair > Oh ....just...Fuck Off!!!

Clash of the Titans.

This Sunday at Croke Park Dublin, 30 men, all amateurs, will take up battle to be crowned All Ireland hurling champions of 2011.  Tipperary, my home county and current champions, take on the hurling behemoth that is Kilkenny in a repeat of the last two finals that have seen the honours shared at one title apiece.  Kilkenny are the most successful county in hurling’s history and we jealously covet our neighbours’ honours, their seemingly endless conveyor belt that produces fantastic hurlers year after year.  When a great player retires another, equally great, steps in to the breach.  It is only recently with our successes at minor and under 21 level that Tipp have started to acquire the same kind of continuity, culminating in our narrow defeat in 2009 and the catharsis of last years victory.  The Premier County were back.

Hurling, the fastest field game on the planet, is ostensibly a man marking game, with every player marked in every position by an opposition player.  It is these individual battles all over the pitch, that are so intriguing and on which results invariably hang.  Coaches will regularly switch players to different positions during a game to strengthen or exploit weaknesses.  A good team applies these basic tenets, probing for an advantage, grinding out little victories all over the pitch, sneaking and sniping their way to the greater victory.  A great team, throws this rule book out the window.

Kilkenny hunt in packs, swarming over the opposition, loping like wolves hungry for ball, harrying their opposition into mistakes, and when winning possession, magically thin out on the field, for the inevitable score.  At times it seems Kilkenny have 20 men on the pitch, denying space while simultaneously creating it, flooding inexorably towards goal.  Kilkenny defend as a unit and attack as a unit.

Tipperary, on the other hand, play in a more orthodox manner, until the ball gets to the forwards.  Like Barcelona with Messi, Villa and Pedro, Tipp use Corbett, O Brien and Kelly as diversions, never in their normal positions they roam all over the pitch presenting defenders with a dilemma, do they follow, leaving gaps behind them, or stay put leaving themselves open to be attacked at pace?

In the Munster Final, Waterford’s defenders stayed put, and conceded 7 goals, Dublin adopted a different tactic in the All Ireland semi final, dropping back an extra defender to nullify this threat, but left themselves short in attack allowing Tipp to pick off scores at will.  We won but it wasn’t the massacre most pundits had predicted.

Still, I can’t see Kilkenny changing their tactics on Sunday.  They are far too good for that and that’s what makes the final so compelling, both teams know that a change of approach will be seen as weakness, a weakness to be pounced upon.  Kilkenny will launch themselves at us with every fibre of their being, propelled by history and their perceived right, fear of failure and judgement by their peers, hoping to get their nose in front and stay there.  Tipp will wait and absorb, relying on their backs and their midfield, waiting for any chink that will allow their forward goal machine to pounce.

That is why I urge you, no matter where you live, head to an Irish bar this Sunday to witness a sporting occasion unlike any other.  Think of a Champions League final between AC Milan of the early 90’s versus the current Barcelona team.  Think of 70’s Brazil against 50’s Brazil.  Think of Ali against Frazier.  Think of 70’s Holland against 70’s Ajax.  Now multiply it by 10 and you’re halfway there.

This will be a clash of titans, with skill, power, hunger, glorious victory and unthinkable defeat.  For the losing county there will be no hiding place.

I leave you with these words after Tipperary’s victory over Kilkenny in the 1916 All Ireland..

Kilkenny Captain > We were the better hurlers!!

Tipp Captain > Aye, but we were the better men

!

TalkSport Drive on the Higgs Boson..

Adrian Durham > ...aaand good afternoon and welcome to TalkSport Drive and today we’re talking particle physics, yes, up, down, strange, fuzzy, quarks, neutrinos and above all the elusive so called God particle, the Higgs Boson...has Wenger lost the plot?

< stupid music jingle plays>

Darren Gough > Yes, are them blokes that are out foreign, doin’ the right thing that they do do...in finding that thing?

AD > Einstein once claimed that Quantum Theory would never be reconciled with Cosmology because God does not play dice with the Universe, so how can Arsenal fans continue to support Wenger when he is stuck in the past and keeps on stubbornly sticking to E=Mc², he needs to go and go now, Arsenal fans give us a call...

DG > You’re talking rubbish Ade, Einstein was around in what? Like, the 60’s or summat, he has no idea of the formulas they have now..

AD > Like what?

DG > Well, like, say the 4-3-3!

AD > 4-3-3?

DG > Yeah, E= 4-3-3, that’s the modern way, not that Mc Hammer bollocks!

AD > You’re the one talking rubbish, Goughie, anyway to the phones and Professor Brian Cox is on the line, what’s your point Brian?

PBC > I..

AD > Yes.  Come on Brian, make your point.

PBC > Well, the..

AD > I don’t see how you can say that Arsene Wenger has a proper grasp of physics at the Quantum level, surely the Higgs Boson is purely theoretical at best.  Top 4 finish I don’t think so..

PBC > Well, our research suggests...

AD > Research! Research, you’re mugging yourself right off there Doc!

DG > No, you’re muggin’ yourself off Ade.

AD > And you’re muggin’ yourself off an’ all!

DG > No, you are..

AD > You are..

DG > No, you are...

< 30 minutes later>

DG > Right off!

AD > On a serious note, we know that proving the existence of the Higgs Boson will be one of the major events in modern Physics, it’s not called the God particle for nothing and proof of its existence at the Big Bang would go a long way to explain why mass binds itself together when the maths seem to say it doesn’t.  To that end we have Professor Jim Alkhalili on the line...Hello Jim, time for Wenger to step down?

PJA > What?

AD > C’mon Jim, you’re a clever bloke, answer the question..

PJA > Well, the structure of the atom suggests...

AD > Atoms, atoms, everything with you is atoms, stick to the point..

PJA > Research at CERN points to..

DG > Sorry Jim, Jim can I just ask you when the Large Hadrian’s Wall Collider will be up and running, and when will Arsenal start to see some results?

PJA > .....You’re both idiots!   < Hangs up >

AD > Well, Goughy you obviously hit a nerve there, typical Arsenal fan doesn’t want to hear the truth.

DG > A mystery of the Universe Ade?

AD > Indeed Darren, it begs the question, what do we want, all of us, fans, players, management, the TV companies.  An answer to the fundamental questions, where did we come from?  What is our purpose?  What will the end of the Universe look like?  Its only through finding Higgs that we may be able to answer these questions, it’s only by fully understanding the past that we’ll be able to fully understand our future.  These are questions that we want Physics to answer.

DG > Yes Ade, and how did Arsenal let it come to this?

AD > What?

DG > Well they let Fabregas go, they let Clichy and Nasri go, but they got money for them, why did they let Higgs go for nothing?

AD > What are you on about you pillock?

DG > The Higgs Bosman, Ade, the Higgs Bosman!

AD > Oh God!.....Anyway that’s the programme for today, tune in tomorrow when we’ll be talking Black holes, worm holes, nebulae, can we really bend time and why are Tottenham still shit?    Bye.

Cesc We Hardly Knew Ye!!

Sometimes seemingly trivial objects can, over time, take on significance, an indelible link to the past, evoking hitherto unremembered events and investing them with their own peculiar energy.  In this case it’s a ticket stub.  This creased and worn piece of card informs me, with certainty and an indefinable logic, that on the 11^th of February 2006 I was seated in the North Bank, Highbury, Block 5, Row N, Seat 105.  It was the first time I saw Cesc Fabregas play.

They say if you want to have an adventure go drinking with an Irishman.  We will strike up a conversation with anybody, even the obviously insane, and we do not suffer fools.  Consequently the weekend was a catalogue of bizarre incidents, punctuated with encounters with strangers who would temporarily become friends, like the Portuguese guy in the Worlds End pub on Stroud Green road, who helped us solve the conundrum of roaming and telephone codes, a couple of hours later he would tearfully tell me of his profound homesickness and his love for Sporting Lisbon.  Needless to say he stumbled off into the night absolutely shitfaced.  The Gooners in the 12 Pins on match day, who somehow ended up at our table, drinking Powers whiskey with us and swapping brilliant stories of Arsenal legends.  The lady at the Arsenal box office, who on seeing we only had 3 tickets (between 6 of us), bade us wait and returned with 3 more, complimentary ones.  The Landlady of the 12 pins, the lovely Linda, who organized a taxi to pick us up outside our hotel and take us to the airport.  Even the friendly and good humoured Bolton fans who swapped enjoyable banter with us before and after the game.

Impressive as the Emirates undoubtedly is, I still desperately miss Highbury.  The smell of the grass, the brilliant intimacy of the place, and feeling like you could reach out and touch the players.  I remember walking up the steps that day into the North Bank and seeing one of our number, a battle hardened GAA man, with tears in his eyes as he absorbed the spectacle and the grandeur of it all.

I remember Lehmann, after pulling off a spectacular save, turning to us with a look of triumphant madness in his eyes, exhorting us all to, “Fuckin’ come on!!”  But most of all I remember the diminutive Spaniard, gliding over the pitch, pinging exquisite passes effortlessly into the path of team mates.  Pulling the strings as only he could.

I also remember the disgruntled fan shouting, uncharitably, at a rare misplaced pass,”Wenger why are you playing that fucking child!”  Some Gooners, eh?

But I come to praise Caesar not to bury him, and I think the best praise I’ve seen for Cesc was by Jamie Dalton on Twitter who said of him “He could create space with his mind!”  It is this ability to seemingly transcend the laws of physics that separate the good players from the very great ones.

I will choose not to remember the last season he had with us.  Instead I will remember, that goal against Tottenham, the goal in the San Siro, the game against Juventus when he had Vieira in his pocket, coming off the bench against Villa to change the game for us, the penalty against Barcelona, maybe he hasn’t done enough to earn legendary status in the pantheon of great Gunners, but maybe, just maybe, he isn’t finished yet.

“Once a Gunner, always a Gunner.”  – Cesc Fabregas (via Twitter) 16/08/2011.

Advocatus Diaboli - Is Arsene Damned?

The man with toothache thinks all men happy whose teeth are sound - Shaw.

The Devils Advocate was a role in the church given to the person responsible for querying and repudiating all miraculous clams attributed to a candidate for canonization.  They carried out this duty ruthlessly, and were above all bribery and coercion.  These men weren't just impartial, they sat implacably waiting to be convinced and would do their utmost to cut any evidence to pieces.

This summer we have seen Wenger's "trial by Twitter" with even the most ardent optimist being forced to rethink their opinion on his "infallibility".

While I understand the frustration of some fans, the notion that Wenger has somehow forgotten how to manage is frankly, laughable.

People can point to our weakness in defence, our lack of investment in an experienced goalkeeper, our inability to hold onto a lead, our lack of leaders on the pitch, the truth is it's a combination of all the above, coupled with a serious problem with injuries, that has contributed to our downfall.

Just throwing money at these problems is not going to solve them, witness how much Man City had to spend just win an FA cup.

It's no coincidence that we haven't won a trophy since moving from Highbury.  The club is still in transition and could be for another couple of seasons.  We don't have the financial clout to compete with the other clubs in the top four and the truth of the matter is we've been punching above our weight for the last few years, trying to pick up bargain buys or finding players who buy into Wenger's philosophy.

Some Arsenal fans are outraged by the signing of Chamberlain and, predictably, more were outraged at the outrage, the truth is until the FFP rules come into force these are the signings we have to make, players who have massive sell on potential, it's why we wont pay over the odds for a player like Jagielka, he's just too old and too expensive.  Arsene is doomed to rummage around the bargain bins while players wages continue to rise in a business where, you're a pauper if you're only on a measly seventy grand a week.  We can't compete with the crazy money being thrown at players and, in my opinion, we shouldn't.

Too many opposition teams now know the ideal way to play against Arsenal, two defensive lines of four with a big target man up front and a hustling midfielder, we struggle to break down these teams especially when they come to the Emirates.  We have traditionally been strong on the counter attack, but now all the opposition do is foul the player in possession in order to organize their defence and send us back to square one.  Our players don't get enough protection from referees because of the prevailing, media perpetuated, opinion that Arsenal are soft and don't like it up 'em, yet when we go in for a hard tackle we are inevitably and disproportionately punished.

So what does the upcoming season hold for us long suffering Gooners?  Well, one thing I will predict is that it will be totally unpredictable, the usual roller-coaster ride of ecstatic highs and crushing lows, fantastic victories, bewildering defeats and inexplicable draws, maybe we'll make it to another final and then...who knows!!

No matter how well we do, we will hit a bad patch and then the inevitable feeding frenzy will begin.  No matter how many times you see the "Wenger Out!" headline just remember that the media want Wenger to fail, a sentiment sadly shared by some of our fans.  His canonization would be anathema to them.

Me, all I care about right now is beating Newcastle on opening day.  I wont allow myself to look any further than that.

An optimist and a pessimist fall over board...They both drown!

Once Upon A Time in the East....

In Sergio Leone's epic western 'Once upon a time in the West', a speculator buys a seemingly worthless farm in the middle of the desert where nothing will grow.  Through the course of the movie various bandits turn up seeking the 'treasure' that's rumoured to be buried somewhere on the arid ranch.  We eventually find out, after much slaughter, that the 'treasure' is in fact, a well.  The farm has the only source of water for hundreds of miles and it's inevitable that the impending railroad will have to pass through, making the land worth a fortune.

Many people were of the opinion that Arsenal's trip to the Far East was a similar fruitless excersise, but no matter how much the 'traditionalists' rail against it, this is a vast untapped market full of fans and potential fans, and any move to raise the clubs profile in this market has to be applauded.

The general estimate that the tour could potentially be worth £15 million to the club is, in my view, far too conservative.  China alone could be a huge money spinner, just think about the revenue that selling 20 million replica shirts would bring in, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The fervour and fanaticism that the team has been received with has been truly amazing, with the Mirror's John Cross likening it to Wham's ground breaking tour of China in the eighties.  Think of what would happen if Wenger managed to unearth a couple of Chinese stars (and I'm sure there are many) and you can imagine how our support would take off!

Like it or loathe it football is a global business and clubs are now brand names, and the more exposed your brand is the more revenue is generated, making the club more competitive and able to attract more high class players.  Nothing succeeds like success!

No matter how many games you may have watched on TV nothing prepares you for the first time you see top class footballers in the flesh.  First thing that strikes you is how small the players are (you somehow expect your heroes to be huge) and how quick the fuckers can move, they seem to be able to defy the laws of physics with their sheer pace, allied to their speed of thought, somehow being able to ignore where the ball is and instead focusing on where the ball will eventually be.  You don't get a feeling for these almost poetic processes from television.

I envy all you Gooners in Asia, being able to encounter these marvellous experiences for the first time, being able to feel that indefinable connection to our great club, and by extension the players connection to you.

Sadly I don't get over to London for many games these days, but rest assured next time I'm in the pub watching one of our games, I'll raise a glass, and toast the unbreakable connection we have from the far side of the world.

A Footballer does/doesn't do Something! (Remixed)

I have a confession to make, I absolutely hate Summer.  The shit weather, the kids are bored and want money all the time, telly is crap (full of repeats because the TV companies think we'll all be out in the shit weather), tennis, golf, formula 1 (unless they get shit weather) and of course the lack of football.

Ok theres the womens world cup, I don't care, the Copa America , I don't care and why are they all running so fast! In fairness I've only watched 3 games and 2 of them involved Argentina, but at this rate I'm glad no Arsenal players are involved in the competition because the intensity is such that I'd expect them to be out injured for about 7 years. Slow down lads ye'll hurt yereselves.

One tournament I must mention is the U17 World Cup taking place in Mexico and anyone who watched the semi final between the hosts and Germany will know what I'm talking about, what a game. The passion, skill and will to win of these young players is truly awe inspiring. Particularly the Mexican defender Julio Gomez who scored Mexico's opener, then was involved in a terrible clash of heads in Mexico's equalizer, which would have normally resulted in a trip straight to the hospital, but because they had used all their substitutes saw him rejoin the fray with about 5 kilos of bandages swathed about his head, to pop up in the 90th minute with a bicycle kick to score the winner. Truly Roy of the Rovers stuff and hats off to the young man.

It promises to be a great final between the hosts and Uruguay on Sunday night and will be streamed live on FIFA.com.

Anyway on to matters Arsenal and what a summer of non-events, speculation and outright lies. Bookies creating mischief making us odds on to sell/buy player X/Y, I'm totally sick of it all at this stage. The (hopefully) incumbent Gervinho has had so many medicals he must feel like he's been kidnapped by aliens. And he still hasn't officially signed. Don't they realize what they are doing to us, some one Arsene, players just make a statement.

Why do Footballers need such long holidays? Surely two weeks should do them, it does everybody else. Think of it a 2 week break, a 2 week transfer window, bliss.

But what bugs me most about Summer is the amount of Football stories in the media, they don't write half as much when the Football is actually on. And who are these 'sources' I keep reading about, do they only work in the Summer?

> Erm.... Hello!

> Hello, this is a journalist bloke from the newspapers, you know, I wonder can you tell me whats going on?

> Look I only cut the grass everybodys on holidays.

> Aw c'mon give me something mate.

> Fabregas?

> Thats old news everyones got that, what about Nasri?

> What about him?

> Is he happy in the team, are the team happy with him?

> Well they all seem pretty united to me.

> Do you think he wants out?

> Look I only cut the grass, I dont know anything, I've told you 20 million times!

> Right...Nasri...United....20 million..cheers mate!!