Keith the Gooner

Absolutely chuffed to be joined by the legendary KeithTheGooner for this instalment of Your Arsenal.  Eternally cheerful, Keith is one of my favourite Arsenal tweeters, and when I first started this blog he gave me tremendous encouragement and support.  Along with Daryl Booth he gave us the iconic “Arsewars” series, and watch for his sitcom “We Could be Heroes” coming soon to a TV near you.

Why Arsenal?

My family are originally from Woolwich and Plumstead and as such they are split 50/50 between Charlton and Arsenal. My uncle saw an opportunity to recruit me to the Arsenal side of the family and quickly took me to Highbury before the other side of the family divide took me to The Valley. Lucky escape. I was THIS close to being @KeithTheAddick.

Earliest Arsenal memory?

Approaching Highbury stadium. I was awestruck. My uncle had taken me to a couple of Welling United games (come on you Wings!) to test the water and see if my attention span could last 90 minutes. I remember annoying him with 1000 questions at the Welling UTD game, asking about the offside trap (normal) how many substitutes each team was allowed (again, normal) what the players had for dinner (bit weird) and if the players were required to wear their kits 7 days a week (creepy.) He took me to see The Arsenal in the FA Cup on Saturday 25^th January, 1986, but more about that in the next question. I just remember being blown away by the sheer size of Highbury compared to Park View Road (The Wing’s ground) and the buzz in the air. There were people everywhere wearing the famous red and white scarf tucking into burgers and singing songs in the street. There were grown men swearing. Swearing! Everyone was in good spirits and in my mind, they all knew each other and I was the newest member of the family. As we went through the turnstiles into the East Stand, I remember the smell of cigar smoke, beer and burgers and as we climbed the stairs to the East Upper, I was blown away that a stadium could need stairs. There were clearly going to be a LOT more people here than at Park View Road. Walking up the stairs to see the famous Highbury pitch was a life defining moment for me. I’d arrived. It was exactly like the scene in Fever Pitch when the young Nick Hornby first glimpsed the pitch. I remember being so excited, but even at the age of seven, I was trying to stay cool and act like I’d been a season ticket holder for the past eight years so that my new family wouldn’t suspect that the new midget wasn’t brand new. This was it. I knew there and then that I’d be coming back to Highbury many times over the course of my life.

First game?

The 4^th round of the FA Cup on Saturday 25^th January, 1986 at home to Rotherham United. We won 5-1 with a brace from Ian Allinson and a goal a piece from Stewart Robson, Graham Rix and my first Arsenal hero, Charlie Nicholas. As far as I was concerned, The Arsenal would win every game as easily as the 5-1 that day. I’ve never forgiven my uncle for making me think that.

Favourite player (all time)?

Such a difficult question. I think I’ll answer it by doing the “man thing” and making a list, in no particular order of the Arsenal heroes that I have had over the years.

Charlie Nicholas

Tony Adams

David Rocastle

Anders Limpar

Ian Wright

Dennis Bergkamp

Thierry Henry

Cesc Fabregas

If I had to narrow it down to a top three, it would have to be Tony Adams (the first player’s name I ever had on the back of my shirt), Ian Wright and Thierry Henry. I would have to give the title to Thierry though. Wrighty was an absolute legend and one of the most exciting players I have ever seen. Tony’s love for the club and his heart is unrivalled, but I have never seen a player do the things that I saw Thierry Henry do. There was a period while he was with us that he was truly the greatest player in the world. To see him return for a short while this season was a fantastic buzz for sentimental reasons.

Favourite player (current)?

I’m excited about a couple of our younger players, in particular Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and Jack Wilshere. The prospect of these two linking up over the next few years in the famous red and white is mouth watering. RVP is an obvious choice for the goals that he is scoring and the leadership that he seems to be giving the team right now. I’m not entirely sure I’ve got a favourite right now, but I just stopped to think if I bought a new home shirt today then whose name would I get on the back and the answer was Jack Wilshere. I guess that makes him my favourite right now.

Highest point?

As Gooners, we are spoiled for choice aren’t we? The magic of Anfield ’89 is surely the greatest sporting moment of all time and I remember going mental watching that on TV, but only being 11 years old, I was too young to go down to Highbury, crack open a tin of Red Stripe and dance with that annoying teacher with the curly hair outside the stadium. Winning the league at Shite Hart Lane and Old Trafford were of course massive high points, as were the cup doubles in ’93. Being at the Littlewoods Cup Final in 1987 was unbelievable, as was beating Barcelona last year at home and the 5-2 against that lot with white shirts with the logo of a chicken trying to balance on a beach ball. All time high? I’m going to say it was The Invincibles. Being in Upper Street on the Sunday that we paraded the trophies was incredible. I think there was something like 200,000 Gooners all partying in the streets singing, “WE ARE UNBEATABLE” and the world knew it. We were BY FAR THE GREATEST TEAM, THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN and didn’t we know it. Wearing any clothing with the famous cannon on it was extra sweet that year because nobody could touch us. What an achievement.

Lowest point?

Again we are spoiled for choice! The lowest I have ever felt leaving a football match was against the scum last season. 2-0 up and then self destructing and losing 3-2. It hurt. A lot. I know that we have lost bigger games and suffered greater humiliation (Wrexham anyone?) but in my heart, this was the lowest moment I have felt in my Gooner career. I think that’s why it was so sweet to be 2-0 down to them and then come back and BEAT THE SCUM 5-2 this year!

Sign any 3 players?

I’m rubbish at this. I would describe myself as an Arsenal fan more than a football fan. The Arsenal to me is so much more than the first team playing games, although that is at the heart of everything. It’s about being with your mates and your family, the banter, the drama, the places you travel to, the identity of being part of something much larger than your own being. I watch Match of The Day and currently have Norwich v Wigan on in the background (Smudger commentating) but I’m not really paying attention. If we could sign any three players in the world, I guess I would go for the obvious answer and say Lionel Messi, if only to keep Chamakh and Park on their toes. Ozil looked decent in the last World Cup so sign him up. The last of the three players I would sign would be Cesc Fabregas. If I’m honest, we never should have let him go. He was still peaking and is yet to peak. But he was a better player than anyone we have had in the past 7 or so years and I really think that he is one of the best players in the world. With a bit of luck, Jack and The Ox will come good and Cesc will be calling them up to ask for tips in the not too distant future!

Sack any 3 players?

Arshavin, Chamakh, Denilson. Yep, I’m keeping Squilacci and Almunia around. They really aren’t as bad as people make out and are convenient scapegoats. I’m not advocating playing them in an Arsenal shirt ever again mind you!

Highbury or the Emirates?

Life goes on, things change and nothing stays the same. We needed to move to The Emirates and it is a beautiful stadium. The way that the club has “Arsenalised” the stadium has to be commended. Having said that, Highbury was my home and was beautiful in an entirely different way. Even now, walking past The East Stand I can’t help but marvel at the building, looking up at the window I used to see Wrighty hanging out of after games, the sound that you could hear from inside if you were running late for Kick Off and the sheer volume of memories. It’s Highbury for me.

Thanks a million Keith.  You can follow Keith on twitter @KeithTheGooner.

Andrew Allen

Your Arsenal part 2 and its one of the finest football writers on the internet.  The incomparable, Andrew Allen, indomitable keeper of the archive that is the AFCcollective.  If, on the off chance, you do know an obscure fact about the Arsenal, well Andrew probably told you...!

ClockEnd5 > Why Arsenal?

Andrew > I’m not sure there was much of a choice! My dad was a long-standing season-ticket holder before I was born and used to go to games with my uncle and grandfather on my mum’s side. I was kitted out in an Arsenal kit from the age of four and the indoctrination process continued throughout my childhood.

CE5 > So what’s you earliest Arsenal memory then?

Andrew > I’m told I was taken to my first game when I was four, although I haven’t been able to confirm which exact game in the 1987/88 season it was. I vividly remember watching the last-gasp win against Liverpool in 1989 at the house of a family friend and then playing football in the garden until the small hours.

CE5 > What was your first game?

Andrew > As I’ve mentioned it was sometime during 1987, although the specifics escape me – a fact that bugs me regularly! My North Bank induction didn’t begin in earnest until the 1990/91 season. I was rested on the crush barrier by my dad for the first home game of the season on a Wednesday night against Luton Town and never looked back.

CE5 > Your favourite Arsenal player?

Andrew > I’ve obviously been privileged to see a lot of great players during the Wenger era, but I think Anders Limpar really captured my imagination as a child. His signing was so out of keeping with the usual Graham transfers and he had such an immediate influence on the team that it was love at first sight. Although he was at the height of his powers in the title winning season of 1990/91, his partnership with Ian Wright the following year was arguably the best I ever saw at Highbury, while his chip from the halfway line against Liverpool is still my favourite ever goal.

CE5 > Your favourite player from the current team?

Andrew > It’s hard to look past Robin van Persie. He’s cut a very mature figure both on and off the pitch this year. He was unveiled to the Highbury crowd on the last day of the ‘invincibles’ season just in front of me wearing the most offensive trousers I’ve ever seen, and got himself into some bother ahead of the 2005/06 season but his development in the last 18 (injury-free) months has been fascinating. He always had the technique it was just a matter of him, as Arsene might say, being more ‘efficient.’ The goal against Everton to cap off the 125^th anniversary celebrations was a particular high point. Fingers crossed he commits his future to the club.

CE5 > Your highest point as an Arsenal fan?

Andrew > There have been so many. Winning the League Cup in 1993 on my first trip to Wembley will always stay with me, as will the personal congratulations I received from friends and teachers the day after the Cup Winners’ Cup triumph in 1994. My four years at university in London between 2001-2005 couldn’t have been better timed. Looking back it feels like the whole period was bathed in sunshine, booze and silverware. I celebrated winning the title at Old Trafford in the streets surrounding Highbury before getting a couple of hours sleep and heading to an exam. Two titles, three FA Cups, and 49 games unbeaten! Not bad…

CE5 > and your lowest point?

Andrew > The Nayim goal in 1995 still feels like a cruel joke, while the Owen brace in the FA Cup defeat to Liverpool in 2001 and Wayne Bridge’s goal for Chelsea in the 2004 Champions League quarter-final were also like shots to the heart. Strangely though, the lowest point was the draw against Birmingham in March 2008. I knew the moment Clichy conceded the injury-time penalty that our chances of winning the league were gone, despite the fact we were still top of the league at the end of the game. I think the emotion of watching Eduardo suffer such an horrific injury got to me. At the age of 25 I needed an hour lying face down on the floor of my bedroom just to try and calm down. It didn’t really work. That Birmingham repeated the feat two years later with a jammy last second equaliser and then beat us in the Carling Cup final last season hasn’t helped heal the wound!

CE5 > If you could sign any 3 players?

Andrew > Can I pass on all three on the proviso that Van Persie commits himself to Arsenal for the rest of his career? No? Ok…Messi, Ronaldo and Rooney – just so they can’t score against us anymore.

CE5 > Ok, get rid of 3 players?

Andrew > I always have a tinge of sadness when any Arsenal player leaves the club. I suppose I invest so much hope in them loving the club like I do, or being the best players they can be, that I take their respective exits quite personally. That being said there’s a few guys who I now just feel sorry for. Chamakh and Squillaci look completely bereft of confidence, while the Park transfer looks increasingly odd. For their own good, I’d love them to get their careers back on track elsewhere.

CE5 > Finally, Andrew Highbury or the Emirates?

Andrew > The Emirates is definitely growing on me, but it still lacks the dignified gravitas of Highbury. You can’t turn your back on 93 years of history and not feel sad. What I’d give for a chance to rewind the clock and stand on the North Bank again…

You can follow Andrew on twitter @AAllensports or @AFCcollective and don’t forget to have a look at the site for the brilliant collection of articles, nostalgia and videos.

Tim Stillman

So it begins.  Not with a fanfare, no crash of drums, no liveried announcer to introduce the protagonists.  No, like all great experiments it begins quietly.  Like Edison’s light bulb, Einstein’s theory of relativity, Dirac’s equation.... (Steady on).  Sorry.

I am so proud to have an Arsenal legend to launch this experiment.  Tim Stillman is one of the most knowledgeable Gooners out there.  He regularly writes for Vital Arsenal and has a weekly column for Arseblog.  Tim has been to more Arsenal games than Arsene Wenger, and if you even dream you know more about the Arsenal you better wake up and apologise....

ClockEnd5>  So Tim why support Arsenal?

Tim>  My family is a pretty even split between Spurs and Arsenal and I just chose The Arsenal. The reasons are probably quite vague in my 6 year old mind as to what made me make that choice. But I’d pinpoint the fact that, when I first started to kick the sponge ball around the playground, I played as a winger. At the time Arsenal had Merson, Limpar and the incomparable Rocastle and I think that’s what made my mind up. I have to be 100% truthful and say I thought about pledging my allegiance to Spurs simply because they had Gascoigne and I can’t pretend he wasn’t one of my footballing idols at the time. In fact, if I were a couple of years older and Spurs had had Waddle whilst Arsenal toiled in their uninspiring mid 80s sludge, it’s reasonable to assume I would have been a Spurs fan. Thankfully, Graham’s side was at its most exciting when I did come to choose. I recall my mum taking me to a sports shop in South London and asking me which shirt I wanted. Arsenal had that lovely “splodges” home kit design at the time and that totally sold me. Red against white is a very hypnotising colour scheme for a 6 year old.

CE5 > What’s your earliest Arsenal memory?

Tim > Aside from making that life altering choice in that Catford sports shop, my first memory was not a pleasant one. I assure you it’s totally by chance that I really began to take an interest in the results during the 1990-91 season. That sickening semi final defeat to Spurs at Wembley was the first time a result really felt significant to me. Arsenal had won most of their games that season, so I guess I thought this supporting lark was quite easy. It was a timely gut punch and I remember it making me feel physically sick. That Gascoigne twisted the knife somehow made it worse for me- a player I admired and whose performances in the 1990 World Cup are my very earliest football memories. The feeling I had when Spurs got their third goal that day made me realise I’d let myself in for something of a lifelong pursuit. It was a valuable lesson in humility though; it taught me that no matter how high your team flies, nobody is immune to that pain.

CE5 > What was your first Arsenal game?

Tim > It just so happens that it was 20 years ago this week that I made my first pilgrimage to Highbury. 22^nd March, 1992 for a home match against Leeds- who went on to win the championship that year. That was a pretty handy Leeds team- McAllister, Cantona, Batty, Speed, Strachan. But we were defending champions and it was a tough game. Due to my excitement, I reckon my Mum and I got to the ground over 2 hours before kickoff because the gates in the West Stand hadn’t even opened by the time we arrived. It was the best induction though; walking into the stadium empty, the red seats set against white and that brilliant green pitch in front of it. Then to slowly watch it fill up was intoxicating. The match was drawn 1-1 and I learned another invaluable lesson. Arsenal flop Lee Chapman was playing upfront for Leeds and was booed throughout the match. So of course he scored the equaliser. But the experience changed me forever. The next season I got a season ticket and I’ve only missed a handful of home games ever since. It’s 12 and a half years and counting since I last missed one at time of writing.

CE5 > Who is your favourite Arsenal player, ever?

Tim > Unquestionably Anders Limpar. That’s not to say he’s the best Arsenal player I’ve ever seen. He isn’t. But he was my favourite player when I was 7 and your favourite player when you’re 7 is your favourite for life, isn’t it? As I alluded to earlier, I played on the wing as a kid and he just played with this swagger and verve. He wasn’t like your traditional ‘push and run’ English winger. He played entirely on instinct, yet was gloriously unselfish with it. I’m even attracted to the fact that his time at Arsenal fizzled out due to conflict with the manager. I’ve always maintained that fascination with figures that don’t outstay their welcome. It’s the same with me for music. Bands like The Stone Roses and the Sex Pistols. Guys that produce one classic album, then kind of burn out and leave as quickly as they burst onto the scene. There’s an old saying that the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Anders just had all the ingredients for me, both as a kid and now as an adult.

CE5 > So who is your favourite player out of the current lot?

Tim > I like to think I’ve kind of grown out of having favourite players nowadays, but I’ve really taken to Andre Santos. He just plays with such great joy; you can tell playing football means everything to him. I think a person’s personality can come through in the way they play and Santos strikes me as a humble character, yet one that is really full of joy.

CE5 > Your highest point as an Arsenal fan?

Tim > I’ve been incredibly fortunate. I was in Madrid 06, I was there for Jens’ penalty save in Villarreal, I was in Milan in 03 and 08 and White Hart Lane in 04. In terms of a period of time, I was at all 49 matches in that unbeaten run and I imagine that’s something I’ll tell my grandchildren about. Some of the football we played in that period was unreal. At the end of that run I remember Highbury singing “Have you ever seen football played like this?” That’s the pinnacle for any fan really isn’t it? But in terms of one isolated moment, being at Old Trafford in 2002 will only ever be topped for me when Arsenal have won the Champions League. The stars really aligned that night, it was just perfect and everybody knew we’d done something incredibly special. I really thought we’d go on to dominate English football for 6 or 7 years after that.

CE5 > And your lowest point?

Tim > There have been a few of these too. Bolton in 2003 was incredibly difficult to swallow. I had to go to a party at uni when I got home from that game. Ordinarily I try not to take results too seriously but I just sat in a corner alone and drank whiskey after whiskey, but I just couldn’t get drunk. But Zaragoza in 1995 takes the shitty biscuit here. Losing cup finals in the last minute is one thing (something we’ve experienced again recently), but to do so in that manner- to an ex Spurs player during such a woeful season was probably the lowest point the club has experienced during my time as a supporter. We’d had such an awful season with Merson and Graham’s problems and finishing a pitiful 12^th place. The Cup Winners Cup was supposed to be our saviour for that year. To have it taken away like that was incredibly cruel. I wasn’t at the game, but I just remember steeling myself for penalties, feeling reasonably confident given Seaman’s exploits against Sampdoria in the semis. When the ball hit the net I was literally stunned for a good ten minutes. I didn’t say a word and when Zaragoza went to lift the trophy, I just got out of my chair and went up to bed.

CE5 > If you could sign any 3 players?

Tim > I never really speculate on this kind of thing. The only team I watch with any great regularity is Arsenal and I simply don’t watch enough football from other countries to pretend I have an informed opinion. I certainly think Arsenal needs at least one striker and one more creative player. It looks like Fabianski, Mannone and Almunia will all go this summer so an experienced number 2 will be needed too. It looks like the club are looking towards the Bundesliga and I certainly think that Germany now is looking a bit like France in the Clarefontaine days. I think that’s where Europe’s top young talent is going to come from for the next generation.

CE5 > OK get rid of 3 players?

Tim > Again, I don’t usually like to single players out, it’s too much of a Big Brother / X Factor style pantomime villain thing for me. I’d suggest a few high earning squad players will be trimmed this summer and hopefully we can replace them with a bit more value.

CE5 > Which is better, Highbury or the Emirates?

Tim > I loved Highbury, it was where I spent my formative years. But I’ll take the Emirates every time thanks. Much like when you’re asked if you prefer vinyl or MP3, I know the newest answer isn’t the trendy one, but I think there’s this tendency to romanticise the past and the folklore of Highbury has been part of that. We had a lot of great memories there and the classic architecture and compactness of the ground were very special. But I also recall it taking the entire half time break to squeeze through the concourses in the Clock End for a piss. Highbury was a classic ground but I think if we’re honest, it’d had its day. I think we should have moved 7-8 years earlier than we did if I’m honest. I also think there’s been some rose tinted reappraisal of the atmosphere. I think proportionately, there was just as much moaning, just as many early leavers and, post Taylor report, the atmosphere was no different to what we experience now. Every ground in England is pretty devoid of atmosphere nowadays, so I don’t pinpoint the move as the loss of some golden era of raucous chanting like some seem to. Perhaps we notice the grumbles now because there are simply more people inside. The current stadium is so much more user friendly and when it’s lit up at night, it looks so opulent. As does the pitch under the floodlights. I know that’s not the trendy answer, but I honestly think if we’d won a trophy or two since moving there, the voguish criticisms wouldn’t be anywhere near as pronounced. All the place needs is a few more memories. From a design point of view, it is utterly top notch.

Thank you Tim, one word, follow that!  If you want to follow Tim on Twitter he’s here @LittleDutchVA .

Stay tuned for the next instalment of what makes it Your Arsenal.

Your Arsenal - What Is It?

There is a famous Hollywood legend that tells of a young “runner” on a Hitchcock movie who approached the great man telling him how he always had great ideas for movies, just before he fell asleep at night.  His problem was, when he awoke, he had completely forgotten them.  Hitchcock’s advice to him was, that he should keep pen and paper by his bed, and jot down his ideas just before he fell asleep.  The story goes, that the young acolyte tried this the very same night, and on waking eagerly sought the pad by his bedside, on which was written the words, “Boy meets Girl!”

Yes, we’ve all been there.  We’ve all had those late at night brilliant ideas that inevitably turn out to be crap the next morning.  I call them “Vampires” because daylight destroys them, utterly.

This “great” idea was born on that fitful night at the San Siro when Milan handed us that right beating, and one of my fellow Gooners in the pub cried out in despair, “Why do I support this fucking team?”

Now it may have been just a spur of the moment, and indeed, a purely rhetorical question, but nonetheless, when the game was over, and as we contemplated our uselessness, we asked each other the same question.....Why Arsenal?  Considering we were all Irishmen from Tipperary with absolutely no connection to North London whatsoever, the answers were so different and, in a weird way, very logical, that the seed was sown and the idea took root.

What makes us Gooners?  It can’t be geography, or hereditary, (although some are), but what makes Gooners in San Francisco congregate at ungodly hours to watch our games, even though they’ve never even seen the Holloway Road.  What makes Gooners in the Far East get up in the middle of the night, to watch a league cup game against Shrewsbury Town?

Why am I, a proud Tipperary man, less affected when Tipp, or Ireland, lose than when Arsenal lose, which can bother me for days?

So here is my idea.  Over the coming months I will be contacting Arsenal fans and asking them to answer ten simple questions about being a Gooner.  Obviously I can’t ask everybody, but I will try to get as wide a spread of Fans as possible, from as wide a variety of locations as possible.  You can be from Hackney or Mumbai or Detroit, you can be Wenger in, Wenger out, Wenger shake it all about, I don’t care, all I ask is that if you are contacted take a bit of time to think over your answers.

Maybe it fly, maybe it will flat on its arse, who knows.  Whatever, it will be your space, your opportunity to talk about Your Arsenal.

Peter Hill-Wood's Guide To Football Chants!

Last Wednesday, while having Tiffin at my club, I received a rather alarming call on my mobile telephone.  The colonies, it seems, are rather upset by the current trend towards racism and bigotry that appear to be rife among supporters of the more “common” clubs and our esteemed major shareholder, Mr Kroenke, demands our own chaps do not descend to such base vulgarity in our impending contest against the dirty Spuds.

To that end I have prepared the following handy, cut-out guide to acceptable behaviour.  Might I suggest you keep it on your person at all times, or if you feel disposed to have a pre match sherry or one of those “hot doggies”, you entrust it to the care of your driver until kick off.

Firstly, the match officials and specifically the umpire.  It serves no purpose to suggest the esteemed gentleman has a penchant for self-abuse, nor indeed proposing that he is visually impaired and the result of hasty copulation with the chamber maid behind the stables.  One should be courteous but firm, imagine him to be one of the servants, a loud “Oh I say!”, and an admonishing wag of the finger will carry much more weight than the dreadful “you don’t know what you’re doing!”.  Remember one is not from Northumberland!

On the subject of goal minders, an odd and decidedly eccentric lot, particularly our own foreign chappie.  Indeed I once obliquely referred to his unruly hair style by enquiring of him whether he was “off to Woodstock” or some other beatnik jazz festival, to which he gave no reply, just stared at me blankly.  Blankly I say!  One should of course endeavour to give him every encouragement and try not to soil oneself at every back pass.  As for the scum’s antiquated, Villa reject, might I suggest a rousing “Ooooooooooh.........you have an extremely poor shots to saves ratio!”  Hilarious.

Should the unthinkable happen and our brave boys put in a below par first half performance, then before you retire for a bracing half time glass of port, or cup of beef tea, I entreat you not to resort to the, frankly common, practise of “booing”.  Restrict yourself to an angry “tsk tsk” or perhaps an admonishment towards the bench, along the lines of “Mr Wenger I protest at your tactics, I protest loudly Sir!”  On no account should you partake in the vulgar exhortation for him to “spend some money”.  May I remind you that we have frozen season ticket prices at 100 Guineas, what one would be expected to pay for a good day out at Ascot, including luncheon!

Now to the subject of derogatory chants towards the filth from down the road.  Umbra in perpetuum est.

Frankly it is not cricket to constantly mention the High German of the Ashkenazi Jews or any variations or abbreviations thereof.  Neither is it proper, or noble, to constantly draw attention to their manager’s unfortunate facial tic!  Might I suggest the contemporary and cutting

> the Queens shilling, repay the Queens shilling!

Guaranteed to reduce him to a quiver of embarrassed twitchiness and therefore denuding his ability to make tactical decisions,

Here a few other chants you may direct at the Spuds.

Towards their supporters

> You will be perambulated home by the emergency services!

> Stand up if you hate Tottenham, but stand in a purely metaphoric fashion (i.e. the standing is implied but not the action of standing, as it contravenes Health and Safety) plus you may be ejected from the stadium.

Towards Gareth Bale

> You bear a striking resemblance to a Simian Hominid, specifically Pan troglodytes!  Lol at that one!

Towards Adeybayor

> You Sir are a despicable mercenary; we find your pursuit of filthy lucre to be extremely distasteful!

Towards Scotty Parker

> You may look like Biggles, but you have none of his morals or dignity!  Mmmmh Biggles!

Towards Assou-Ekotto

> You may think your elaborate hirsuteness calls attention to you, but it merely calls attention to your poor positional sense!

So there you have it, you glorious followers of the Red and White, remember support our brave boys this Sunday against the dastardly forces of evil.  Enjoy the game and have a safe happy day, please don’t feel compelled to beat your servants if the result goes against us.  Remember Victoria Concordia Crescit, or as Lady Nina was fond of saying...Up the Arse!!!.....Diggidy!!

Inside the Mind of Marouane Chamakh

“There must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief, there’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief”.  Great song that.  The Jimmy Hendrix version obviously, not Dylan’s.  Kind of dispels the myth, that the original is always better than the imitation.  See the message is totally different from version to version.  Hendrix has a more anthemic feel, while Dylan,    wait, the Boss wants to know if I’m warm enough.  I give him the thumbs up...quite comfortable Boss!  Oooh! He wants me to warm up, better get going, he looks quite cross!

Now, how does this go again? Ah yes stretch a bit while pretending to watch the match, a bit of a light jog, why do they have to make the edge of the pitch so slanty?  Must ask the groundskeeper next time.  I enjoy my little chats with him, he keeps a bottle of whiskey in his office you know.  Sometimes I get my days mixed up and come to the Emirates instead of London Colney, in fact one time I came to the Emirates when we were playing away, I asked the groundskeeper could I go on the pitch and have a kick about, he said that Wenger had left strict instructions that under no circumstances was I allowed to set foot on the pitch.  I pointed out that, it only applied when there was a game on!  I’m not doing that high stepping, swivelling the hips and arms thing, that just looks stupid.  Hey, I’m going on.

Bastard tracksuit bottoms, there has to be an easier way.  What about those trousers that male strippers wear? You know the Velcro jobs you can just rip off in one movement.  I’ve often wondered when strippers get down to their undercrackers, and then whip them off, does the money go all over the place?  Is there then etiquette for picking it up?  Do they wait until the routine is over?  I presume they must pick the money up while facing the audience, otherwise they get a full view of the old back passage!  Do they have to do a training course?  Yes I am listening to you Pat....support Robin......track back....get in the box...blah blah blah! ....................... I’m fucking freezing!!

And I’m on.  Crap!  We’re playing those Red and White stripey bastards, and yes, the square headed fucker, who’s always trying to kill me, is playing.....great!  Think I’ll go stand over there for a while.

Mr Tambourine Man, now that’s a conundrum.  I love the Byrds version, but also love Dylan’s version (although a trifle long), think I’ll call that one a draw....Oooh the ball!....shite, offside!

I do love Bowie, but “Pin Ups” really?  It’s all cover versions, and obscure ones at that....nice tackle Gibbsie, careful you don’t get “injured”!  Jesus! They’re so soft, I never get injured.  Quick throw the ball to the new guy, he’s totally free, throw it now.  Oh for fuck sake, don’t throw it to me, what am I supposed to do?  Time for the old crafty back heel methinks, he’ll never read that!!

Well that didn’t work, should I run after him, I think I’ll run after him.....yes, great tackle new guy!!

I must go and introduce myself to the new guy.  I mean he can’t be as grumpy as the big German!  Hee hee, you should hear him trying to pronounce “bicycle”.  Hilarious.

Huh, another miserable grumpy bastard, and again with the “get in the box”, do they think I’m a magicians assistant or something?.......Ball.....Offside.....Bollocks!

See, the trouble with this club, its all cliques.  For example, start of the season, loads of new guys, Jack Wilsheres FIFA night, everybody in.  My “Frank Zappa – Joes Garage” re-enactment night, nobody!!  “Bartender, I’ll have a Pina Colada with milk.  Second thoughts, better make that a water, H-T-O”.  Classic..........Ball...........No Fucking Flag!!

Ok, Marouane, head down, do not look up under any circumstances, just keep going.  Square headed man....square headed man............man down!!

Ow ow ow o wow!!  Jesus that hurt.  Yes, book him Ref, have that you big square headed, caveman bastard.  Hello physio man.  I’m fine, honestly, I’m ok, don’t spray that shit on me...ack...Straight in my face.  My face isn’t injured for fuck sake!  I expect I’ll be subbed off now, Hello, Hello, bench totally ignoring me.  Hang on, I am a sub!!

Have to go and defend a corner now, I hate this crap!

Instructions from Woj, concentrate etc, defend your zone, blah blah!  Honestly I am not a child!!

Actually, who remembers the original of “Sorrow”, it is a great Bowie song from Pin Ups, yet no one remembers the original by the Merseys, or is it just me? Oh good goal, overhead kick!!

Shout at me all you want you lanky German bastard.  Its pronounced BICYCLE, and FYI an eye doctor is not called an “optimist”, wanker.

Final whistle, thank Christ!  Yeah well played mate, but I don’t want your sweaty shirt!

Wonder what the score was!!

Transfer Deadline Day 2 – This Time Personal It Doth Be!

Felicitations all ‘tis James the White,

Your humble host on this night of nights,

‘round this sceptered isle our correspondents fly,

For the latest news in definition high.

Aye the comings, goings, innings, outings

And drama, that I’ll convey by shouting.

Caveat emptor, buyer beware,

And E-harmony and Go Compare.

First to London and Emirates field we fly

Where noble Brutus standeth by,

Amidst rabble, that mob and throng,

I prithee entreat them for a song

Some lifting hymn or inspir’ed psalm,

Or “Stand up if you hate Tottenham”

Hath Lord Wenger, his defence sutured

With foreign heroes, hitherto obscure,

Or perhaps some mewling infant, snatched from mother’s teat,

That likes the ball played into feet!

What say you, Brutus?

Hail, Big Jim, I trust I find you fine of fettle

Tho’ allowed hath been the dust to settle,

That hath seen the mighty Arsenal yield,

At the massacre of Trafford field.

Eight Two Brute?

Aye, eight two indeed,

Now Frenchmen have succumbed to greed,

And the Spaniard, to his ancestral home has flown,

While that lofty, beauteous Dane has gone on loan.

In hath come an Oriental, a fleet of foot attacker,

A Brazilian and Per Mertesacker.

And portentous tidings, to cause a stout heart swoon,

Arteta and Yossi Benayoun!

Fie! Foul Wenger artfully he the arrow dodged,

Tho’ Clock End clamour for his dislodge.

What of England’s rose, and brave Sir Harry’s team

So nearly conquerors of Europe,

So foully trick’d from Carling Cup,

So almost, nearly Wembley bound

Then dashed their hopes on stony ground.

And when cruel autumn doth arrive,

Can be viewed on Thursday, Channel 5!

We gathered here at White Hart gate,

For Harry’s wisdom we await,

All in for shilling or for pound

What sayeth noble Harry, through car window wound?

Scotty Parker, Adebayor from City,

Oh be still the heart of Hotspur,

Pause ye, persevere and pity,

Becalm’ed, try laudanum or other soporific,

For Harry has declared these signings “triffick”

And what of Crouch, that gallant, that tower,

Cometh the man, cometh the hour?

Of “nearly man” hath he cast off the yoke?

Alas no Jim, he’s been sold to Stoke.

Though by strategy, he only needs to stand

In goalmouth awaiting Delaps prodigious hands,

For ‘tis off long ball that he thriveth best.

Aye, like the Chief in

“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!”

Alas dear friends the night it creepeth in,

And we must, most reluctant, call the curtain down.

To Stamford now, whither the money goest?

Juan Mata and Anders Villas Boas!

On and on, to King Kenneth’s realm we go,

Hath he squandered Henry’s dough?

Aye, every noble Englishman is now in red,

To launch the ball at Carroll’s head.

And here we end, and farewell to all,

What tales we’ve heard tonight of this “football”

Speak now yere thoughts, be they sweet or bitter,

Tell all, by E-mail or by Twitter.

And ‘til January, your prayers be answered may

On another Transfer Deadline Day.