Once Upon A Time in the East....

In Sergio Leone's epic western 'Once upon a time in the West', a speculator buys a seemingly worthless farm in the middle of the desert where nothing will grow.  Through the course of the movie various bandits turn up seeking the 'treasure' that's rumoured to be buried somewhere on the arid ranch.  We eventually find out, after much slaughter, that the 'treasure' is in fact, a well.  The farm has the only source of water for hundreds of miles and it's inevitable that the impending railroad will have to pass through, making the land worth a fortune.

Many people were of the opinion that Arsenal's trip to the Far East was a similar fruitless excersise, but no matter how much the 'traditionalists' rail against it, this is a vast untapped market full of fans and potential fans, and any move to raise the clubs profile in this market has to be applauded.

The general estimate that the tour could potentially be worth £15 million to the club is, in my view, far too conservative.  China alone could be a huge money spinner, just think about the revenue that selling 20 million replica shirts would bring in, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The fervour and fanaticism that the team has been received with has been truly amazing, with the Mirror's John Cross likening it to Wham's ground breaking tour of China in the eighties.  Think of what would happen if Wenger managed to unearth a couple of Chinese stars (and I'm sure there are many) and you can imagine how our support would take off!

Like it or loathe it football is a global business and clubs are now brand names, and the more exposed your brand is the more revenue is generated, making the club more competitive and able to attract more high class players.  Nothing succeeds like success!

No matter how many games you may have watched on TV nothing prepares you for the first time you see top class footballers in the flesh.  First thing that strikes you is how small the players are (you somehow expect your heroes to be huge) and how quick the fuckers can move, they seem to be able to defy the laws of physics with their sheer pace, allied to their speed of thought, somehow being able to ignore where the ball is and instead focusing on where the ball will eventually be.  You don't get a feeling for these almost poetic processes from television.

I envy all you Gooners in Asia, being able to encounter these marvellous experiences for the first time, being able to feel that indefinable connection to our great club, and by extension the players connection to you.

Sadly I don't get over to London for many games these days, but rest assured next time I'm in the pub watching one of our games, I'll raise a glass, and toast the unbreakable connection we have from the far side of the world.

A Footballer does/doesn't do Something! (Remixed)

I have a confession to make, I absolutely hate Summer.  The shit weather, the kids are bored and want money all the time, telly is crap (full of repeats because the TV companies think we'll all be out in the shit weather), tennis, golf, formula 1 (unless they get shit weather) and of course the lack of football.

Ok theres the womens world cup, I don't care, the Copa America , I don't care and why are they all running so fast! In fairness I've only watched 3 games and 2 of them involved Argentina, but at this rate I'm glad no Arsenal players are involved in the competition because the intensity is such that I'd expect them to be out injured for about 7 years. Slow down lads ye'll hurt yereselves.

One tournament I must mention is the U17 World Cup taking place in Mexico and anyone who watched the semi final between the hosts and Germany will know what I'm talking about, what a game. The passion, skill and will to win of these young players is truly awe inspiring. Particularly the Mexican defender Julio Gomez who scored Mexico's opener, then was involved in a terrible clash of heads in Mexico's equalizer, which would have normally resulted in a trip straight to the hospital, but because they had used all their substitutes saw him rejoin the fray with about 5 kilos of bandages swathed about his head, to pop up in the 90th minute with a bicycle kick to score the winner. Truly Roy of the Rovers stuff and hats off to the young man.

It promises to be a great final between the hosts and Uruguay on Sunday night and will be streamed live on FIFA.com.

Anyway on to matters Arsenal and what a summer of non-events, speculation and outright lies. Bookies creating mischief making us odds on to sell/buy player X/Y, I'm totally sick of it all at this stage. The (hopefully) incumbent Gervinho has had so many medicals he must feel like he's been kidnapped by aliens. And he still hasn't officially signed. Don't they realize what they are doing to us, some one Arsene, players just make a statement.

Why do Footballers need such long holidays? Surely two weeks should do them, it does everybody else. Think of it a 2 week break, a 2 week transfer window, bliss.

But what bugs me most about Summer is the amount of Football stories in the media, they don't write half as much when the Football is actually on. And who are these 'sources' I keep reading about, do they only work in the Summer?

> Erm.... Hello!

> Hello, this is a journalist bloke from the newspapers, you know, I wonder can you tell me whats going on?

> Look I only cut the grass everybodys on holidays.

> Aw c'mon give me something mate.

> Fabregas?

> Thats old news everyones got that, what about Nasri?

> What about him?

> Is he happy in the team, are the team happy with him?

> Well they all seem pretty united to me.

> Do you think he wants out?

> Look I only cut the grass, I dont know anything, I've told you 20 million times!

> Right...Nasri...United....20 million..cheers mate!!

EL FILTH!! via Google Translate.

So another transfer window has barely opened and I am already sick of the endless rumour, speculation, lies and will he won't he.  Clicking on spurious sites to read absolute bollocks about who's leaving/arriving, and trying to decipher the Cesc stories in the Spanish press through the insanity of Google Translate.


I've often wondered do football fans in other countries have to suffer through the weird adjectives and bizarre language like we have to, so this is my version of their hell.  Enjoy...

                             Fabregas Goes Home To His House?

Barcelona have told today, in a radio, Cesc Fabregas is a lunatic who wishes to end all the shouting by returning to the house where he was born as a baby.

Fabregas, of the Arsenal, is sad to be without a trophy as his childless friends have once again captured the Champions League, once again.

Arsenal controller, Arsene Wenger ejaculated furiously,

   " Fabregas is in my engine, and perhaps we have business with Real Madrid but for millions of Euro"!

Pep Guardiola has shouted loudly at the papers with his captain, and Barcelona have a budget.

Barca heroes, Puyol and Pique are lovers and have cried about him.

A man who speaks has said maybe this summer, it might not happen, but has difficulty closing his door.

                                Nasri Tries To Escape!

Arsenal player who is tricky, Samir Nasri who is a Frenchman and can be in the middle or wide right, is saying he will not write his name until Arsenal make him rich.  But there is a twist that has come out, with Rio Ferdinand says he wants to love him at Manchester United.  Patrice Evra, ( also a French Player for France), has urged Nasri to love him also, because they have beaten the Premiership.

Nasri has given abuses to a man on Twitter to who he said,
         " Come on my face and say that, you c****,,,,, er,,,,,,* " !

A man who speaks, says nothing!

                               5 Million For Clichy, You Are Laughing At Me!!

Defender of Arsenal,Gael Clichy, has been buggered by Liverpool for 5 million.  Clichy who like the other French, has refused to write a contract for an Arsenal man, is said to be sad.

Wonderings have begun at Arsenal about who will make them happy if he leaves.

Scotland man, Kenny Dalglish, who couches Liverpool has remained tight in his lips, after the team has also signed a man (Henderson) from Sunderland.  The man is said to have two feet and paid 20 million to the Mersey.

                             Jenkinson Writes On Paper for Arsenal.

A man is blowing a trumpet when Charlton the Athletes player Carl Jenkinson arrives for 1 million pounds.

He likes the team the big man said and his Grandfather for 40 years.

He can play in three places and is very cross.  He also likes drinking and Tony Adams.

A man took his picture on Tuesday and a man who speaks says Hello!

Come on us again, next week at a different time, for more news about a player and a man from France.

Up Your Arse!!

No More Heroes Anymore !

Tucked away in the last chapter of Arsenal legend Eddie Hapgood's autobiography, 'Football Ambassador',  is an extraordinary letter.  The letter is from Red Army Lieutenant Alexander Divochkin, captain of the Central Red Army House Team ( later to become CSKA Moscow ) and Hero of the Soviet Union.  He starts by recounting how he followed Hapgoods career with Arsenal and England with great interest and his sense of comradeship with a fellow footballer and 'fighter of fascists',( Hapgood was in the RAF ), before going on to describe, with great humility, how he earned his Hero of the Soviet Union.

In July of 1941, Divochkin was second in command of an artillery battery outside the city of Petrozavodsk, when a far superior German force attacked from the forest on the outskirts of the city.  The Soviets under a massive bombardment from artillery and mortar suffered terrible losses ( a whole platoon was wiped out in twenty minutes ) including the battery commander.  Without food for two days the situation was extremely desperate when Divochkin took charge.

He rallied the remaining troops and they had just begun to counter attack when an enemy shell exploded dangerously close to their ammunition setting the brushwood alight.  Divochkin began dragging the high explosive shells out of the path of the fire while continuing to fire at the enemy when his gun was hit wounding him in the process.  He quickly moved to another gun, still dragging the ammo out of the fire, when that too was hit wounding him again.  He dragged two artillery pieces into position, and firing both guns alternately managed to push the Germans back to the tree line.  He kept this barrage up for a further twelve hours until his unit was reinforced.

Divochkin went on to fight in the Battle of  Kursk, and took part in the campaigns to liberate Ukraine, Hungary, Austria and Czechoslovakia from the Fascists.  He was awarded the Order of Lenin 1st and 2nd class, declared a Hero of the Soviet Union and promoted to Lieutenant Colonel.  He died suddenly in 1946 aged just 32.  In his letter to Hapgood he said;

  " Give my compliments to your club friends and tell them that our sportsmen are fighting
     in the front lines with redoubled energy, and in each of us burns the desire to wipe the 
     Fascist rascals from the face of the Earth."

Shortly after the war, in November 1945, Moscow Dynamo came to England to play 3 games amid much hype and excitement.  They beat Cardiff City 10-1, then drew with Chelsea 3-3 at a packed Stamford Bridge, before taking on Arsenal at White Hart Lane ( Highbury suffered severe bomb damage during the Blitz ).

The game kicked off in heavy fog amidst controversy over Arsenals strengthening of a much depleted squad, with several players from other teams ( including Stanley Matthews ) added at the last minute.  The referee refused to abandon the match despite zero visibility, arguing that the opposition had come all the way from Russia, and the game went ahead quickly descending into farce when Arsenal had a player sent off for fighting   who promptly sneaked back onto the pitch unnoticed.

Dynamo went on to win the game 4-3 despite Arsenal losing their keeper who had bizarrely knocked himself out when colliding with the upright, he was replaced by a member of the crowd.

Years later it was discovered that the star player for the Soviets, Vsevolod Bobrov, was not even a Dynamo player but instead belonged to bitter rivals Divochkin's Central Red Army House Team, Dynamo were the team of the Secret Police.

Now, when I look at our crest and I see the cannon, I think of Alexander Divochkin, defending a hopeless position against all odds.  I think of Eddie Hapgood, and the connection those two men felt across war ravaged Europe.  Comrades in battle. Forever entwined in War and Football.  Last word then to Hapgood;

" There was a feeling, that, once you put on an Arsenal shirt, nothing could go wrong, that your team was better than all the others.  'Arsenal Atmosphere' it was called by those on the outside, but we knew it was team spirit, an indefinable something which carried us to the heights, kept us there, and which won us games, that by all laws and rights, we should have lost ".

Gooners Promise to Endeavour to Persevere!

Ah well, another season has come and gone, leaving us all a bit flat. Gone for ever the heady promise of last August, the football fans pre-season hope, the pernicious referees, the 4 goal leads, the defensive collapses, the inevitable litany of injuries, promise collapsing to inevitable failure.

This season saw Arsene deviate from his usual policy of playing the second string in the Cup games in an attempt to garner any kind of silverware to placate the heaving masses, we fielded stronger sides than usual but ended up with the same result. Fuck all! If you throw a bone to a dog he will catch it, but if you throw more than one bone he will try to catch them all, and end up catching none. I hope next season we just concentrate on the Premiership, after all thats the one trophy we want. Fuck the Champions league, there I've said it, time to just catch that one juicy bone.

Highlights of the season, the emergence of Wilshere, Sczcezny and a fit Van Persie. Beating Utd, City and Chelsea, that incredible night against Barcelona, when the Landlord of my local rushed his dinner to get behind the bar thinking the Pub was packed when there was only 7 of us Gooners, making enough noise for 50!!

The low points, everything else.

Everybody remembers when they started supporting a particular team, in Ireland its usually based on success, after all nobody wants to support losers, thats why I feel these last trophyless seasons have had a severe effect on potential future fans. Picture the scene in the playground,

 > My team has won the League again and are in the Chamions league final..


 > My team won the double last year, ok this year we finished second but we are going to buy loads of brilliant new players and we will be back with a vengeance next season.


 > My team are trophy-less again but thanks to prudential financial management are once again in a healthy position going forward!


 > ........?


> Lets beat him up.

We are losing these fans of the future and we are losing them at an alarming rate, and when you lose fans you will inevitably lose players as well.

This morning I received my Red Membership renewal form in the post. Enclosed was a form letter from Le Boss which began with "Dear John" to make it seem personal. One paragraph stood out for me,

" During next season, you will experience some very special moments, for example, we will be playing in a kit with an anniversary crest that honours our founding fathers at the time when they came together in the Royal Oak pub in Woolwich to form what we know today as Arsenal Football Club."

On reading that paragraph I was immediately reminded of the scene in The Outlaw Josey Wales in which Chief Dan George tells of his encounter with the government in Washington..

 > They brought us up to Washington and the Senator told us we should Endeavour to Persevere..the papers had our picture on the front with the line "Indians Promise to Endeavour to Persevere". We went back home and we thought about it for a long time..Endeavour to Persevere...and when we had thought about it long enough...we declared war on the Union.

Man Utd and Their Part in my Downfall !!

Here, in Ireland, we say you can't throw a stone on the street without hitting a Man Utd fan there are so many of the fuckers about. I hate them in that gloriously irrational football way, profound hatred, I can only give you a vague illustration of it like this...

> People of Earth we have come from a dubiously named planet in some galaxy far away, we come because we have long been admirers of the sport you call Football and we wish to offer you a challenge, our greatest team against your greatest team, Manchester United. If your team wins we will give you all our technology, interstellar flight, unlimited resources and the secret to eternal life. However if your team loses your entire population will be subjected to slavery for all time. People of Earth what say you to our challenge?


> What kind of slavery?


> What?


> What kind of slavery? Basic denial of all freedom or mining for some madey up mineral on some Moon with big, ugly blokes with whips?


> The first one, the denial of freedom thingy.


> That doesn't sound so bad. Come on the aliens, batter the scum!!

Yes thats how much I hate them. When we beat them last week there was one Man U fan in the pub, yet yesterday there was hundreds of the fuckers, they kept popping up everywhere, in the smoking area, in the loo, patronising me, sneering bastards.

At the end of our game I turned to make a point to my fellow Gooners and was immediately shouted down and accused of always defending Wenger, which I never do by the way, the mood amongst the Gooners is decidedly ugly at the moment and probably going to get worse over the summer, what with price increases etc. How the fuck can my red membership go up by 33%!! Plus 6.5% increase on tickets!! Now fair play if the money is reinvested in the team but if they think I'm paying extra to keep Denilson and Bendtner in caviar sandwiches they can fuck right off!!

Ok we have Stan Kronke taking over and he assures us that Arsenal will not be liable for any loans he may have taken to facilitate his take over and we must believe him right? I mean if you can't trust an American billionaire then who exactly can you trust...eh?

Anyway thank God theres only two more games before the torture is over for a few months, then 'tis summer and the Hurling is back. For those of you who dont know what Hurling is think of Stoke with clubs. Tipperary,my home county, are all Ireland champions and this brings me nicely to a player I think we should sign this summer, Readings Shane Long. Now before you all start going apoplectic think about it. He played hurling ( 2 all Ireland minor titles) so he's nearly impossible to knock off the ball he's scored 26 goals this season and in Irelands recent friendly with Uruguay reduced their captain to tears. I reckon we'd pick him up for around two million!! Small change for Stan.

Those Whom the Gods Seek to Destroy, They First Make Mad

There is considerable excitement among biblical scholars today with the discovery of ancient texts in the Golan Heights. The texts are believed to be fragments of the lost Gospel of saint Jerome and are said to be the most accurate accounts of the early days of Jesus Christ. Below is a translated version, from the ancient Aramaic, said to be the story of the wedding feast of Cana except later that same day.

And lo the disciples were in a quandary over what to do when the great feast would end. Simon, who was called Peter, was of the opinion that they should all go on to a club, but Judas Iscariot, did point out that they were all well and truly brassic with nary a shekel between them. At this the Lord did produce a parchment from his robes and said unto them.

 > Oh ye of little faith, have I not said that the Lord our God would provide, for I have done seven aways at Ladbrokes, and if it doth come in we will be sorted.

The Lord did then request the tavern keeper to turn over to Final Score and a great hush did fall on all present. The Lords face did light up at the results, but suddenly his countenance did grow grave and a dark shadow did appear on his face. The disciples were taken by a fit of terror at this and entreated the Lord to speak to them. Jesus did lay down the parchment and spake thus,

 > Aaaah!..........Bollix. Arsenal let me down for five grand, they were fucking 3-0 up at half time what the fuck happened? Six aways out of seven, look.

 He did hand the parchment to Simon, who was called Peter, who did pronounce,

 > Christ you even had Shrewsbury Town!

 > I know I even had Arbroath, fuckin' even Arbroath won away.

The Lord then bade every one be quiet and spake thus,

 > Lo I wish it be known that from this day forth Arsenal shall be cursed by me. I shall call down every torment known only to the Angels of Heaven upon them. Firstly I shall send them a man from the east to lead them and great shall be their glory. Trophies will abound yea even doubles shall be theirs, they shall even go a whole season without loss and shall garner for themselves the name 'Untouchables' or some clever variation. I shall let them even get to a Champions League final before my wrath will strike. From that day on their followers shall know only pain, I shall not cause them to be demoted or any such crassness I shall doom them to be nearly good and though victory be always in their sight then shall they stumble. Their followers shall turn on their saviour from the east, and indeed turn on each other in forums and social networks and the like. I tell thee they shall suffer an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I shall torment them and fling their prayers into the maelstrom.

 With that the Lord did get up from the table and bade his disciples stay as he was heading out to the desert to wander about for a bit.

Scholars are at a loss as to what the fragment signifies with some declaring it a prophesy of the fall of the Roman Empire, while other opinions range from the death of Communism to the arrival of the Credit crunch. Other fragments are currently being translated and we await their findings with great interest.