Quantum Theory with Howard Webb.

Scene -  Howard Webb's salubrious South Yorkshire home, front room spacious and comfortably furnished, huge portrait of Paul Dirac over fireplace.  Howard sits on a black leather recliner, rather disconcertingly he is dressed in complete referees uniform, including boots.

ClockEnd5 - So, Howard, I have to start with the Berbatov incident in the FA cup.  How do you respond to the general belief that he dived?

Howard Webb - Well, John, I accept that in this universe he may have dived, but its my responsibility to cater for every reality, not just this one.

CE5 - So in another universe he didn't dive?

HW - Exactly, he was genuinely fouled but I didn't give a penalty and booked him for diving.  You see a Premiership referee has to weigh up all actions and make a decision for that particular universe, he will get it right in some universe.  To get hung up on just one reality is just being trivial.

CE5 - So the reality of one universe over another is irrelevant?

HW - Yes, there is every possibility out there, some where football doesn't even exist.  Some where it does exist but there are only two teams, Man Utd and Liverpool for example.

CE5 - Yeah I know that one its called Ireland!

HW - We, in the referees association, will be putting forward a radical new proposal to play all matches behind closed doors, with no TV cameras and no reporting of any kind.

CE5 - What? How will that work?

HW - Simple, really, if nothing can be observed then every decision will occur simultaneously on every reality .  There will be no need for linesmen or 4th officials, goal line technology nothing , just a ref. Since at a quantum level the ref can be at position A or position B or both at the same time, he can quite easily cover all the pitch and see everything, every possibility and take appropriate action and still be 100% correct.

CE5 - But what about the players wont they be observers?

HW - There will be no players.

CE5 - No players?

HW - No, the players will be just theoretical, so wage bills will be reduced, no more agents and exorbitant transfer fees and crucially the squad will be virtually injury free.

CE5 - And are the FA keen on this idea?

HW - We're going straight to FIFA with this one, John.  Sepp Blatter already thinks theres too much football in football, and he's very keen to take away player power which he thinks is ruining the game.

CE5 - Ah! That explains why Qatar got the World cup.

HW - Of course, there can be no problem with summer heat if the football is purely theoretical. We could have the World cup on the Moon if we wanted to.

CE5 - Hmmmh!

HW - Can we wrap this up?  I've got organ practice.

CE5 - I didn't know you were musically inclined Howard?

HW - I'm not.  I'm going to watch some porn.  Mind that step on the way out it's lethal.

CE5 - If I go down will I get a Penalty?

HW - Not in that shirt you wont!

So there you have it folks, controversial views from a controversial referee.  The thing about it is I have the disturbing feeling he may be right.

Tottenham sign George Best's Ghost

 It  was a balmy spring day when I turned up at Luxborough Lanes in Essex, with a 10 am appointment to talk to Harry Redknapp about the shock news that the ghost of legendary footballer George Best had started to train with the mighty Spuds. With a possible loan deal in the offing, this was going to be the football coup of the century.


The training pitch was resplendent in the morning sunshine, but sadly there were very few players about, except Aaron Lennon sprinting up and down the touchline and Roman Pav on his knees banging his head continuously against the goalposts and letting out an occasional moan.  To my right I could see goal maestro Peter Crouch, jogging on the spot in front of Kevin Bond, who was shouting at him vigorously and occasionally slapping him in the face.


I met up with Harry at the edge of the pitch and shook hands, here is the exact transcript of the subsequent interview taken directly from my tape.

Harry Redknapp - You've got some neck turning up here in that shirt!

ClockEnd5 - So Harry, George Best's ghost, first day of training, how did it go?

HR - Tremendous, such a professional, even his warm up my lads were in awe. I mean, he's one of the greatest, just having him about the place gives everybody a gee up.

CE5 - How do you respond to people saying it's just a publicity stunt, a cynical marketing ploy to sell more shirts?

HR - Well John, you're always going to have some skeptics out there in the media, but we honestly feel he has a lot to offer our club. He's done it all, played at the highest level, he's done it all hasn't he? Brilliant footballer, brilliant man.

CE5 - Even though he's dead!

HR - Yes even though he's dead, and obviously not match fit, he can still show my lads a thing or two about keeping possession and running with the ball, the mans vision is unbelievable.

CE5 - His ball control was legendary, have your players seen that today?

HR - Yeah! Fantastic, well no, as you well know John he cant actually interact with the ball, Ghost Physics! and all that , the ball passes completely through his body.

CE5 - That is a problem.

HR - Yeah, what we need is the ghost of a ball.

CE5 - What?

HR - Yeah preferably one of those 70's balls you know with the laces and all, that's what he's used to.

CE5 - OK so you need the ghost of a 1970's football?

HR - Thats it. If any of your readers could help it would be appreciated.

CE5 - Could I possibly have a word with the great man himself?

HR - Certainly, have you brought a medium?

CE5 - Erm no!

HR - Can't help you then I'm afraid, he can only communicate through a medium.

CE5 -  Damn! Well can I talk to Gareth Bale perhaps?

HR - 'fraid not. He's in Physio having he's back shaved.

CE5 - Ha ha Is he the most hirsute player at the club?

HR - Well he's the bloody quickest I've ever seen..

CE5 - No I meant.... never-mind...

 So there you have it folks, I'm never going back there again ....ever!!!