GAG – The Shocking Facts the Arsenal Board Don’t Want Disclosed!
With Arsenals disastrous start to the season, various anti-Wenger and anti-board groups are becoming increasingly vocal and garnering support among certain sections of our fans. I recently caught up with Walter Strangefellow; spokesperson for the group, Gooners Against Gravity (GAG), below is the transcript of a most enlightening interview.
> So, Walter most fans are familiar with the bigger Arsenal protest groups, but I imagine not too many have heard of GAG, what are your objectives?
> Well John, we are primarily concerned with the amount of gravity in football today. While other teams exploit this force at will, we seem to be cursed by it. It prevents us from putting crosses into the box, it stops us scoring from headers and it prevents our defenders from defending set pieces when other teams use what we call “dual gravity” against us to score goals.
> Dual gravity?
> Yes. You see when the opposition take a corner, gravity immediately starts to act on the ball, pulling it back towards the ground, but certain teams have players that can trick gravity by distracting it and leaping into the air meeting the ball while it’s coming down and then scoring, while our defenders are focussing on the initial gravity of the ball, and are thus subjected to the force of that initial gravity. Which keeps them rooted to the spot.
> And you believe this to be a Tottenham conspiracy?
> Precisely, well everyone knows Isaac Newton was a Spurs fan!
> Er no, he died long before Spurs were founded, surely?
> Yes, but the idea for Spurs was there long before the actual club was formed. Consider Newton’s great work Principia Mathematika and Tottenham’s motto Audere est Facere, both in Latin. Coincidence I think not!
> But all clubs mottos are in Latin. Even Arsenals.
> Is it?
> Yes. Victoria Concordia Crescit.
> Come on John, a motto that mentions the Concorde, really. You people will swallow anything the board throws out. Ridiculous.
> Okay...you also have reservations about the move from Highbury, I understand?
> Not the move per se, more the flawed design of the Emirates pitch.
> The pitch?
> Yes it’s too high.
> Too high?
> Yes for players like Arshavin, he thrives on a lower pitch, a pitch that is further away from him. It’s why he thrives on pitches in Russia, which are all built lower to protect them from frost.
> Surely that just means he’s small?
> Semantics John, semantics.
> Fine. Moving on, I understand you believe that the answer to all Arsenal’s problems lie in the works of the philosopher George Berkeley?
> Yes, that is our conclusion.
> Exactly how?
> Specifically Immaterialism.
> Look at it like this; you have a table in your house, yes?
> Of course.
> Ok, you perceive your table when you sit at it, you can see it; touch it, place things on it etc. That’s what makes it a table.
> But you are not near your table now; you are miles away from it. You can’t possibly perceive it, so does it still exist?
> Of course it does.
> Exactly, and Berkeley argued that the force that holds your table together without you having to perceive it, is in fact God. God holds material objects together immaterially allowing them to exist without perception.
> But what does all this have to do with football?
> Oh John you are as naive as Arsene Wenger. Consider if you will zonal marking.
> Now, what is zonal marking but a marking of theoretical space that an attacking player might occupy in the near future, as opposed to a space he actually occupies?
> Yes I know what zonal marking is.
> Well consider this. If you have a group of defenders who not only refuse to perceive the attackers, but refuse to perceive the ball as well, what a potent defence that would be!
> But surely according to Berkeley, God would hold the ball together?
> But what if your defenders didn’t believe in God?
> You mean....you mean atheist defenders?
> Exactly, defenders who refuse to acknowledge the existence of the ball when they can’t perceive it, causing the ball to be immaterial and therefore making a goal impossible!
> Astounding. If we can get back to gravity for a moment, can you tell me about NEON?
> Ah yes NEON, or to put it exactly n*EO=n. Our ground breaking gravity formula to explain why Arsenal hasn’t won a trophy in so long?
> I assure you I’m all ears!
> Basically we know that football is unfairly constrained by Earth’s gravity, which we feel is biased when there is a greater force in the solar system, namely our Sun. If you take into account the length of time the Earth is pulled around the sun, its orbit, and you multiply that figure by the length of time since you last won a trophy you get the same result. For example Arsenal haven’t won anything for 6 years, so n=6, times Earth Orbit (EO) = 6 the exact same length of time since Arsenal last won a trophy. We have discovered, through extensive research, that this formula can be applied to any trophy less period, and clubs all over Europe will soon be using our formula, n*EO=n, to calculate the time since they last won a trophy, allowing them of course to properly budget transfer spending etc.
> Fantastic stuff. So to sum up, GAG wants dual gravity banned, a lower pitch and defenders with an understanding of physics...
> Who are also atheists!
> Who are also atheists, and NEON to be used in the planning process?
> And Wenger out!
> Of course, stands to reason...
> And before we finish John, could I just mention that our new sister group TWWTP? are having their inaugural meeting upstairs at the 12 Pins in Finsbury Park next Thursday at 8pm, all are welcome.
> I’m almost afraid to ask, but what..?
> Theo Walcott, What’s The Point? They’re our new group set up in light of the recent disturbing, discoveries at CERN.
> Well if light is not the fastest thing in the Universe it stands to reason that Walcott is not the fastest player on a football pitch, and if he isn’t then what’s the point in having him then?
> What’s the point indeed? Well I don’t know about you Walter, but I need a drink.
> Oh! I don’t drink!
> Exactly mate. You don’t!