Arsenal 125 - Jack Lambert and Niccolo Galli

This piece is dedicated to Peter "Cu" Dorney, lifelong Gooner, died of cancer 29th October 2010, RIP.


In my last piece I looked at Arsenal players who died tragically while at the club.  However, I missed out these two equally tragic stories.

Thanks to all who read my last piece and I hope you enjoy reading about these two unsung heroes.

In January 1925 the Arsenal manager, Leslie Knighton, signed centre forward Jack Lambert from Doncaster Rovers for the substantial fee of £2,000.  Lambert was not exactly prolific at Doncaster, but Knighton saw something in the tall, powerful striker and intended to use him as an impact, squad player.

Jack Lambert did not have the most auspicious of starts to his Arsenal career, and failed to break in to the first team until the start of the 1926 season, eventually scoring just one goal in 16 appearances.

Over the next two seasons he played just 22 games with a return of 4 goals and suffered from a profound lack of confidence, saying at the time that

                “..Even the thought of setting foot on the pitch, fills me with dread”

Regularly booed and harangued by the Highbury faithful, he decided to quit the game altogether, but thankfully Herbert Chapman talked him round, insisting he had a major role to play at the club.  Booing our own players, thank God we’ve moved on from those dark days, eh?

Football is a game of millimetres, with every spectacular goal just a heartbeat away from a spectacular miss.  Buoyed by Chapman’s faith, and a developing understanding with Arsenals play maker Alex James, Lambert got his ‘mojo’ back.

Although Arsenal only finished 14^th in the 1929/30 season, Lambert scored 18 goals in 22 appearances, including 3 hat-tricks.

Arsenal went on to lift the FA Cup with Lambert scoring a goal, in the 2-0 victory over Huddersfield Town, in the final.

We went on to win our first ever League title the following season, losing just 4 games and amassing a record 66 points.  Lambert was in unstoppable form scoring 38 goals including seven hat-tricks, two against Middlesbrough.

The ’31-‘32 season saw Arsenal miss out on back to back titles by just 2 points, Lambert scored 22 goals including a hat-trick in a 6-0 victory over Liverpool.

We regained the title the following season, but Lambert had fallen out of favour.  Limited to just 12 appearances he still managed to score 14 goals, hitting 5 in a 9-2 demolition of Sheffield Wednesday.

He was sold, to Fulham, in October of the same year.

He went on to coach Margate, and in 1938 returned to Arsenal as full time coach of Arsenal reserves.

On the 17^th December 1940 he was tragically killed in a car crash in Enfield, North London.

With 109 goals from 161 appearances he is Arsenals 13^th highest ever goal scorer.  RIP.

Niccolo Galli was the son of Italian international goalkeeper Giovanni Galli.  Galli senior was a Fiorentina legend, making 259 appearances for ‘La Viola’ before going on to play for Milan, Napoli, Torino, Parma and Lucchese.

Young Niccolo began his football career at Torino aged 10, but soon his father was on the road again, this time to Parma where Niccolo once again took to the field for his father’s club.

The family eventually returned to Florence in 1995 and, for the first time in his life, Niccolo started to have a bit of stability.  There, began a steady progression in his football, which saw him being capped for Italy in the qualifying rounds for the under 16 European championship.  These performances caught the eye of the Arsenal scouting machine, and Liam Brady persuaded the club to sign him up.

Tall for his age, at 6’ 2”, and described by Brady as “ an intelligent and skill full defender” he established himself as a regular in the Arsenal youth team playing alongside Rohan Ricketts, Steve Sidwell, Jay Boothroyd and Jeremie Aliadiere, part of the team that went on to win the FA Youth cup in 2000 defeating Coventry City in the final.  In this period he was also capped 8 times for Italy at under 17 and under 18 level, scoring 3 goals.

Niccolo had known nothing but football for all his young life, and he longed for the life of an ordinary teenager.  Football had given him everything, but in return had taken everything from him.  Arsenal, reluctantly, allowed him to return to Italy to finish his education, and in August 2000 he was loaned to Bologna.  He was too good for the luxury of a normal life and on the 1^st of October 2000 he made his Serie A debut aged 17.

On the 10^th of February, 3 months from his 18^th birthday, he was killed in a motorbike accident in Bologna.

Niccolo was held in such high regard in Bologna that the club retired his number 27 shirt, they also gave his name to their training ground.

“I have no doubt in my mind that had he lived, he would have been Captain of Arsenal, and of Italy”

Arsene Wenger.

Arsenal 125 - Lest We Forget.

This post is dedicated to my brother-in-law Tim Spillane, a life long Gooner he died from cancer on the 14th of June 2003 aged 38.  RIP.

      "His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly                  falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living.....and the dead."

                                                                                                                             James Joyce 1905.

On this the 125^th anniversary of the founding of our club, there will invariably be tales told of glory, against the odds victories and painful defeats.  We will sing the praises of Brady, Wright, Bergkamp and Henry.  We will remember Anfield ’89, winning the title at Old Trafford and the Lane, the crushing Champions League defeat of 2006, but I urge you to take a minute to remember some unsung heroes.  Giants of the red and white who wore the cannon with pride, lost to the whims of memory, forgotten by history, but forever woven in to the fabric of the club.  Forever Arsenal.

In 1892 Woolwich Arsenal were pariahs.  A professional team in an era of amateurs blocked from league football and limited to the FA Cup and the odd friendly match.  In one of these friendlies, Arsenal played the Army team of the South Stafford regiment.  One player stood out, a young right back called Joseph Powell.  The Arsenal management bought him out of his Army contract and signed him to professional terms.  We were allowed into the league the following season and Powell became our first ever Captain in a game against Newcastle Utd in September 1893.  Described as a “strong and purposeful right back” he was a stalwart in the Arsenal team scoring his only goal in a 5-0 victory against Loughborough Town in 1896.

On the 23^rd of November 1896, in a game against Kettering Town, Powell tried to acrobatically clear a ball at head height when he became entangled with another player, falling heavily and breaking his arm.  The injury was reportedly so horrific that the first player to go to his assistance promptly fainted at the sight of the protruding bone.  Powell subsequently developed septicaemia and, despite having the arm amputated, died a week later.  He was 26.

The First World War machine treated Arsenal no less kindly than any of the youth of England, methodically chewing them up and spitting them out.  Arsenal men like James Maxwell, outside right, killed in action in 1915, and right half Spencer Bassett killed on the Western Front in 1917.

The Arsenal goalkeeper in the 1910/1911 season, Welshman Leigh Roose, received the Military Medal fighting at the Somme where “he threw bombs until his arms gave out, and then, joining the covering party, used his rifle to great effect”.  On October 7^th 1916 at Guadecort, Arsenal forward Gordon Hoove witnessed Roose “charge at the enemy lines firing his gun rapidly”.  Roose’s body was never found.

Equally tragic is the story of Arsenal left back Robert Benson.  Signed from Sheffield United in 1913 this dour ex-coalminer went on to become a regular in the first team.  Weighing 14 stone and possessing a ferocious shot he had a reputation as the “terror of opposing forwards”.  He had a unique style of penalty taking where he would run nearly the full length of the pitch before unleashing an unstoppable shot towards goal.  Benson quit football at the outbreak of war and took up a job as a munitions worker.  On a visit to Highbury for a friendly game against Reading he was asked to fill in at right back.  Patently unfit he had to leave the game complaining of feeling unwell.  He collapsed in the dressing room and died in the arms of the Arsenal trainer, George Hardy.  He was buried in his Arsenal shirt.

Tragedy was not reserved for just the Arsenal players.  The legendary Arsenal manager and great innovator Herbert Chapman, was a meticulous student of the game, and regularly watched other teams play.  On New Year’s Day 1934 he was on a scouting mission at Notts County when he developed a cold.  Next day he watched Sheffield Wednesday against Birmingham, and then against his doctors orders went to watch Arsenal’s 3^rd team play.  He grudgingly took to his bed and died of pneumonia 3 days later.  He was buried in Hendon on January 10^th 1934.

Arsenals first casualty of the 2^nd World War was Highbury itself.  Requisitioned by the War Office, it was used first as a first aid training station and later as ARP head quarters for London.  The North Bank suffered severe bomb damage during the blitz.  26 people were killed on the 27^th of June 1944 when a V1 ‘Flying Bomb’ destroyed Highbury Corner.

Bill Dean was an Arsenal supporter and fulfilled his lifelong ambition when signed as a goalkeeper in 1940.  He joined the Royal Navy and served on board the light cruiser HMS Naiad predominantly in the Mediterranean.  In March 1942 they received information that an Italian cruiser was badly damaged off the coast of Crete.  The Naiad rushed to that location to finish her off, but it turned out to be a trap.  HMS Naiad was sunk by the German U-Boat, U-565, and Dean was killed along with 76 other members of the crew.

Another Arsenal player, Hugh Glass, joined the Merchant Navy and worked in the engine room of the SS Ocean Crusader.  On her maiden voyage she sailed from New York to Liverpool, in atrocious weather as part of the convoy HX-216.  Even though she was brand new and a relatively fast ship, she slowed down to help stragglers in the convoy and became detached from her escort.  Fatally she strayed into territory patrolled by the U boat group known as the ‘Dragon Wolfpack’, and was torpedoed by U-262.  All hands were lost.

Henry Cook joined the Royal Navy as a pilot.  While training to land on the deck of a ship his plane was caught in a freak cross wind and he was killed instantly.

Sidney Pugh joined the RAF Volunteer Reserve and was killed in action on the 15^th April 1944.  William Parr, also a volunteer, was shot down while searching for U-Boats on the 8^th of March 1942.

Leslie Lack served in the 118 Spitfire Squadron of the RAF.  Returning from a routine mission on the 18^th of March 1943 he was shot down by his own anti aircraft crew.  He was 22.

Robert ‘Bobby’ Daniels was capped by Wales in 1938 aged just 16, and joined Arsenal the same year.  5 years later he was a Gunner on a Lancaster bomber involved in the Christmas Eve bombing of Berlin.  His plane flew into heavy flak and was shot down.  His body was never recovered.

Cyril Tooze joined the 9^th Battalion of the Royal Fusiliers and saw action in North Africa before being part of the campaign to liberate Italy.  Early in 1944 the 9^th were involved in heavy fighting during the Anzio campaign, where the front line was continually blurred and the battle moved back and forth often from street to street.  He was shot in the head and killed by a German sniper on the 22^nd of January 1944.

Herbie Roberts was signed from Oswestry Town in 1926 for just £200.  A highly versatile defender he became a crucial part of Chapman’s innovative ‘WM’ formation.  Nicknamed ‘the policeman’ Tom Whittaker said of him, “His genius came from the fact that he was highly intelligent, and more importantly, did what he was told”.  He was part of the team that won three league titles in 1931, 1933 and 1934.  Roberts also joined the Royal Fusiliers where he became a Lieutenant.  He died from complications to a skin disease in June 1944.

First team coach Tom Whittaker took over as Arsenal manager upon George Allison’s resignation in 1947.  Under his leadership Arsenal won the League in 1948 and 1953 and the FA Cup in 1950.  This Arsenal stalwart appointed by Chapman in 1927 died of a heart attack on the 24^th October 1956 at the age of 58.

                                                And because, under equality’s sun,

                                                All things wear now to a common soiling,

                                                                In the fire of images

                                                                Gladly I put my hand

                                                                To save this day for them.

 George Mackay Brown.

The Gold Cannon - Secret Leaked Tapes.

The following transcript, from a tape of last week’s crucial meeting of the “Gold Cannon Group”, was given to me by a prominent member of that organisation, who I will call Mr X.

The Gold Cannon Group, are a protest bloc whose motto is “Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead”.  They have been quietly garnering support amongst disillusioned Arsenal fans, however their aims and opinions in no way reflect the opinions of ClockEnd 5, or any of its affiliates or sponsors.  The tapes have been edited for clarity and brevity.

The Chair > Greetings brothers, and welcome to this emergency meeting to discuss next Saturdays protest march, which we are not involved in, in any way, but which we have decided to cancel...

Ø      Angry murmurs.

Chair > Order Brothers, this decision was not taken lightly, and as we have a lot to get through this evening, let’s press on shall we?

First of all we plan not to assemble in front of the Blackstock pub in Finsbury Park, and then proceed not to march up St Thomas Rd to the stadium where we won’t...Yes what is it brother?

Ø      Pardon me Mr Chairman, but St Thomas Rd gets very busy on match day, may I propose that we not march up Blackstock Rd instead, and not turn off at Ambler Rd?

Chair > Good point brother, we will not march up that route instead.  Can I also stress that this will be a peaceful protest so can you all confine yourselves to simply not chanting when you’re not marching and not to not damage public property, remember at all times who you are not representing.

Ø      Will we be not carrying placards?

Chair > Yes brother, we will not be carrying placards, but I don’t not want to see any of those cheap, hand written, homemade jobs, I bloody hate them.  The committee will not be printing out official placards which I urge you all not to carry, and of course we will not be marching under our official banner, Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead!

Ø      Applause

Chair > I must also inform you that for this protest, while we are not marching we will be joined by members of the group Gooners Against Gravity...

Ø      Angry cries.

Chair > Order! Order! I know we haven’t seen eye to eye with GAG in the past but as Wenger...

Ø      Booing and stamping of feet, cries of Out,Out,Out!

Chair > As Wenger refuses to buy English players who are not constrained by gravity, we will support GAG to stamp gravity out of football.  It’s obvious to everyone in the game that Einstein is a Tottenham supporter and it’s this insidious force that keeps our players rooted to the spot during set pieces.  We demand a UEFA investigation into Ferguson, Redknapp and their ilk who continually get away with gravity week after week.  Now questions..

Ø      When we’re finished not marching and inside the Stadium, do we not boo the players or do we not not boo them?

Chair > Good question brother, I think we’ll leave that up to the individual, it’s up to you to not boo or to not not boo, depending on how you do or don’t feel at the time.  Yes you at the back...

Ø      What have the silent majority said about us not protesting?

Chair > They have not said that they don’t support us unequivocally.

Ø      All of them?

Chair > Well the majority, the majority of the silent majority have not said they don’t fully not support our decision.

No more questions, good.  On to the next item, we have decided not to not support the Barnet FC group “Hands off our club you greedy bastards” on their 24 hour fast next week, so I urge you all not to be at Underhill at 8 pm sharp next Saturday...Yes brother?

Ø      Will be allowed to not bring soup?

Chair > Oh ....just...Fuck Off!!!

Clash of the Titans.

This Sunday at Croke Park Dublin, 30 men, all amateurs, will take up battle to be crowned All Ireland hurling champions of 2011.  Tipperary, my home county and current champions, take on the hurling behemoth that is Kilkenny in a repeat of the last two finals that have seen the honours shared at one title apiece.  Kilkenny are the most successful county in hurling’s history and we jealously covet our neighbours’ honours, their seemingly endless conveyor belt that produces fantastic hurlers year after year.  When a great player retires another, equally great, steps in to the breach.  It is only recently with our successes at minor and under 21 level that Tipp have started to acquire the same kind of continuity, culminating in our narrow defeat in 2009 and the catharsis of last years victory.  The Premier County were back.

Hurling, the fastest field game on the planet, is ostensibly a man marking game, with every player marked in every position by an opposition player.  It is these individual battles all over the pitch, that are so intriguing and on which results invariably hang.  Coaches will regularly switch players to different positions during a game to strengthen or exploit weaknesses.  A good team applies these basic tenets, probing for an advantage, grinding out little victories all over the pitch, sneaking and sniping their way to the greater victory.  A great team, throws this rule book out the window.

Kilkenny hunt in packs, swarming over the opposition, loping like wolves hungry for ball, harrying their opposition into mistakes, and when winning possession, magically thin out on the field, for the inevitable score.  At times it seems Kilkenny have 20 men on the pitch, denying space while simultaneously creating it, flooding inexorably towards goal.  Kilkenny defend as a unit and attack as a unit.

Tipperary, on the other hand, play in a more orthodox manner, until the ball gets to the forwards.  Like Barcelona with Messi, Villa and Pedro, Tipp use Corbett, O Brien and Kelly as diversions, never in their normal positions they roam all over the pitch presenting defenders with a dilemma, do they follow, leaving gaps behind them, or stay put leaving themselves open to be attacked at pace?

In the Munster Final, Waterford’s defenders stayed put, and conceded 7 goals, Dublin adopted a different tactic in the All Ireland semi final, dropping back an extra defender to nullify this threat, but left themselves short in attack allowing Tipp to pick off scores at will.  We won but it wasn’t the massacre most pundits had predicted.

Still, I can’t see Kilkenny changing their tactics on Sunday.  They are far too good for that and that’s what makes the final so compelling, both teams know that a change of approach will be seen as weakness, a weakness to be pounced upon.  Kilkenny will launch themselves at us with every fibre of their being, propelled by history and their perceived right, fear of failure and judgement by their peers, hoping to get their nose in front and stay there.  Tipp will wait and absorb, relying on their backs and their midfield, waiting for any chink that will allow their forward goal machine to pounce.

That is why I urge you, no matter where you live, head to an Irish bar this Sunday to witness a sporting occasion unlike any other.  Think of a Champions League final between AC Milan of the early 90’s versus the current Barcelona team.  Think of 70’s Brazil against 50’s Brazil.  Think of Ali against Frazier.  Think of 70’s Holland against 70’s Ajax.  Now multiply it by 10 and you’re halfway there.

This will be a clash of titans, with skill, power, hunger, glorious victory and unthinkable defeat.  For the losing county there will be no hiding place.

I leave you with these words after Tipperary’s victory over Kilkenny in the 1916 All Ireland..

Kilkenny Captain > We were the better hurlers!!

Tipp Captain > Aye, but we were the better men

!

TalkSport Drive on the Higgs Boson..

Adrian Durham > ...aaand good afternoon and welcome to TalkSport Drive and today we’re talking particle physics, yes, up, down, strange, fuzzy, quarks, neutrinos and above all the elusive so called God particle, the Higgs Boson...has Wenger lost the plot?

< stupid music jingle plays>

Darren Gough > Yes, are them blokes that are out foreign, doin’ the right thing that they do do...in finding that thing?

AD > Einstein once claimed that Quantum Theory would never be reconciled with Cosmology because God does not play dice with the Universe, so how can Arsenal fans continue to support Wenger when he is stuck in the past and keeps on stubbornly sticking to E=Mc², he needs to go and go now, Arsenal fans give us a call...

DG > You’re talking rubbish Ade, Einstein was around in what? Like, the 60’s or summat, he has no idea of the formulas they have now..

AD > Like what?

DG > Well, like, say the 4-3-3!

AD > 4-3-3?

DG > Yeah, E= 4-3-3, that’s the modern way, not that Mc Hammer bollocks!

AD > You’re the one talking rubbish, Goughie, anyway to the phones and Professor Brian Cox is on the line, what’s your point Brian?

PBC > I..

AD > Yes.  Come on Brian, make your point.

PBC > Well, the..

AD > I don’t see how you can say that Arsene Wenger has a proper grasp of physics at the Quantum level, surely the Higgs Boson is purely theoretical at best.  Top 4 finish I don’t think so..

PBC > Well, our research suggests...

AD > Research! Research, you’re mugging yourself right off there Doc!

DG > No, you’re muggin’ yourself off Ade.

AD > And you’re muggin’ yourself off an’ all!

DG > No, you are..

AD > You are..

DG > No, you are...

< 30 minutes later>

DG > Right off!

AD > On a serious note, we know that proving the existence of the Higgs Boson will be one of the major events in modern Physics, it’s not called the God particle for nothing and proof of its existence at the Big Bang would go a long way to explain why mass binds itself together when the maths seem to say it doesn’t.  To that end we have Professor Jim Alkhalili on the line...Hello Jim, time for Wenger to step down?

PJA > What?

AD > C’mon Jim, you’re a clever bloke, answer the question..

PJA > Well, the structure of the atom suggests...

AD > Atoms, atoms, everything with you is atoms, stick to the point..

PJA > Research at CERN points to..

DG > Sorry Jim, Jim can I just ask you when the Large Hadrian’s Wall Collider will be up and running, and when will Arsenal start to see some results?

PJA > .....You’re both idiots!   < Hangs up >

AD > Well, Goughy you obviously hit a nerve there, typical Arsenal fan doesn’t want to hear the truth.

DG > A mystery of the Universe Ade?

AD > Indeed Darren, it begs the question, what do we want, all of us, fans, players, management, the TV companies.  An answer to the fundamental questions, where did we come from?  What is our purpose?  What will the end of the Universe look like?  Its only through finding Higgs that we may be able to answer these questions, it’s only by fully understanding the past that we’ll be able to fully understand our future.  These are questions that we want Physics to answer.

DG > Yes Ade, and how did Arsenal let it come to this?

AD > What?

DG > Well they let Fabregas go, they let Clichy and Nasri go, but they got money for them, why did they let Higgs go for nothing?

AD > What are you on about you pillock?

DG > The Higgs Bosman, Ade, the Higgs Bosman!

AD > Oh God!.....Anyway that’s the programme for today, tune in tomorrow when we’ll be talking Black holes, worm holes, nebulae, can we really bend time and why are Tottenham still shit?    Bye.

Cesc We Hardly Knew Ye!!

Sometimes seemingly trivial objects can, over time, take on significance, an indelible link to the past, evoking hitherto unremembered events and investing them with their own peculiar energy.  In this case it’s a ticket stub.  This creased and worn piece of card informs me, with certainty and an indefinable logic, that on the 11^th of February 2006 I was seated in the North Bank, Highbury, Block 5, Row N, Seat 105.  It was the first time I saw Cesc Fabregas play.

They say if you want to have an adventure go drinking with an Irishman.  We will strike up a conversation with anybody, even the obviously insane, and we do not suffer fools.  Consequently the weekend was a catalogue of bizarre incidents, punctuated with encounters with strangers who would temporarily become friends, like the Portuguese guy in the Worlds End pub on Stroud Green road, who helped us solve the conundrum of roaming and telephone codes, a couple of hours later he would tearfully tell me of his profound homesickness and his love for Sporting Lisbon.  Needless to say he stumbled off into the night absolutely shitfaced.  The Gooners in the 12 Pins on match day, who somehow ended up at our table, drinking Powers whiskey with us and swapping brilliant stories of Arsenal legends.  The lady at the Arsenal box office, who on seeing we only had 3 tickets (between 6 of us), bade us wait and returned with 3 more, complimentary ones.  The Landlady of the 12 pins, the lovely Linda, who organized a taxi to pick us up outside our hotel and take us to the airport.  Even the friendly and good humoured Bolton fans who swapped enjoyable banter with us before and after the game.

Impressive as the Emirates undoubtedly is, I still desperately miss Highbury.  The smell of the grass, the brilliant intimacy of the place, and feeling like you could reach out and touch the players.  I remember walking up the steps that day into the North Bank and seeing one of our number, a battle hardened GAA man, with tears in his eyes as he absorbed the spectacle and the grandeur of it all.

I remember Lehmann, after pulling off a spectacular save, turning to us with a look of triumphant madness in his eyes, exhorting us all to, “Fuckin’ come on!!”  But most of all I remember the diminutive Spaniard, gliding over the pitch, pinging exquisite passes effortlessly into the path of team mates.  Pulling the strings as only he could.

I also remember the disgruntled fan shouting, uncharitably, at a rare misplaced pass,”Wenger why are you playing that fucking child!”  Some Gooners, eh?

But I come to praise Caesar not to bury him, and I think the best praise I’ve seen for Cesc was by Jamie Dalton on Twitter who said of him “He could create space with his mind!”  It is this ability to seemingly transcend the laws of physics that separate the good players from the very great ones.

I will choose not to remember the last season he had with us.  Instead I will remember, that goal against Tottenham, the goal in the San Siro, the game against Juventus when he had Vieira in his pocket, coming off the bench against Villa to change the game for us, the penalty against Barcelona, maybe he hasn’t done enough to earn legendary status in the pantheon of great Gunners, but maybe, just maybe, he isn’t finished yet.

“Once a Gunner, always a Gunner.”  – Cesc Fabregas (via Twitter) 16/08/2011.

Advocatus Diaboli - Is Arsene Damned?

The man with toothache thinks all men happy whose teeth are sound - Shaw.

The Devils Advocate was a role in the church given to the person responsible for querying and repudiating all miraculous clams attributed to a candidate for canonization.  They carried out this duty ruthlessly, and were above all bribery and coercion.  These men weren't just impartial, they sat implacably waiting to be convinced and would do their utmost to cut any evidence to pieces.

This summer we have seen Wenger's "trial by Twitter" with even the most ardent optimist being forced to rethink their opinion on his "infallibility".

While I understand the frustration of some fans, the notion that Wenger has somehow forgotten how to manage is frankly, laughable.

People can point to our weakness in defence, our lack of investment in an experienced goalkeeper, our inability to hold onto a lead, our lack of leaders on the pitch, the truth is it's a combination of all the above, coupled with a serious problem with injuries, that has contributed to our downfall.

Just throwing money at these problems is not going to solve them, witness how much Man City had to spend just win an FA cup.

It's no coincidence that we haven't won a trophy since moving from Highbury.  The club is still in transition and could be for another couple of seasons.  We don't have the financial clout to compete with the other clubs in the top four and the truth of the matter is we've been punching above our weight for the last few years, trying to pick up bargain buys or finding players who buy into Wenger's philosophy.

Some Arsenal fans are outraged by the signing of Chamberlain and, predictably, more were outraged at the outrage, the truth is until the FFP rules come into force these are the signings we have to make, players who have massive sell on potential, it's why we wont pay over the odds for a player like Jagielka, he's just too old and too expensive.  Arsene is doomed to rummage around the bargain bins while players wages continue to rise in a business where, you're a pauper if you're only on a measly seventy grand a week.  We can't compete with the crazy money being thrown at players and, in my opinion, we shouldn't.

Too many opposition teams now know the ideal way to play against Arsenal, two defensive lines of four with a big target man up front and a hustling midfielder, we struggle to break down these teams especially when they come to the Emirates.  We have traditionally been strong on the counter attack, but now all the opposition do is foul the player in possession in order to organize their defence and send us back to square one.  Our players don't get enough protection from referees because of the prevailing, media perpetuated, opinion that Arsenal are soft and don't like it up 'em, yet when we go in for a hard tackle we are inevitably and disproportionately punished.

So what does the upcoming season hold for us long suffering Gooners?  Well, one thing I will predict is that it will be totally unpredictable, the usual roller-coaster ride of ecstatic highs and crushing lows, fantastic victories, bewildering defeats and inexplicable draws, maybe we'll make it to another final and then...who knows!!

No matter how well we do, we will hit a bad patch and then the inevitable feeding frenzy will begin.  No matter how many times you see the "Wenger Out!" headline just remember that the media want Wenger to fail, a sentiment sadly shared by some of our fans.  His canonization would be anathema to them.

Me, all I care about right now is beating Newcastle on opening day.  I wont allow myself to look any further than that.

An optimist and a pessimist fall over board...They both drown!

Once Upon A Time in the East....

In Sergio Leone's epic western 'Once upon a time in the West', a speculator buys a seemingly worthless farm in the middle of the desert where nothing will grow.  Through the course of the movie various bandits turn up seeking the 'treasure' that's rumoured to be buried somewhere on the arid ranch.  We eventually find out, after much slaughter, that the 'treasure' is in fact, a well.  The farm has the only source of water for hundreds of miles and it's inevitable that the impending railroad will have to pass through, making the land worth a fortune.

Many people were of the opinion that Arsenal's trip to the Far East was a similar fruitless excersise, but no matter how much the 'traditionalists' rail against it, this is a vast untapped market full of fans and potential fans, and any move to raise the clubs profile in this market has to be applauded.

The general estimate that the tour could potentially be worth £15 million to the club is, in my view, far too conservative.  China alone could be a huge money spinner, just think about the revenue that selling 20 million replica shirts would bring in, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The fervour and fanaticism that the team has been received with has been truly amazing, with the Mirror's John Cross likening it to Wham's ground breaking tour of China in the eighties.  Think of what would happen if Wenger managed to unearth a couple of Chinese stars (and I'm sure there are many) and you can imagine how our support would take off!

Like it or loathe it football is a global business and clubs are now brand names, and the more exposed your brand is the more revenue is generated, making the club more competitive and able to attract more high class players.  Nothing succeeds like success!

No matter how many games you may have watched on TV nothing prepares you for the first time you see top class footballers in the flesh.  First thing that strikes you is how small the players are (you somehow expect your heroes to be huge) and how quick the fuckers can move, they seem to be able to defy the laws of physics with their sheer pace, allied to their speed of thought, somehow being able to ignore where the ball is and instead focusing on where the ball will eventually be.  You don't get a feeling for these almost poetic processes from television.

I envy all you Gooners in Asia, being able to encounter these marvellous experiences for the first time, being able to feel that indefinable connection to our great club, and by extension the players connection to you.

Sadly I don't get over to London for many games these days, but rest assured next time I'm in the pub watching one of our games, I'll raise a glass, and toast the unbreakable connection we have from the far side of the world.

A Footballer does/doesn't do Something! (Remixed)

I have a confession to make, I absolutely hate Summer.  The shit weather, the kids are bored and want money all the time, telly is crap (full of repeats because the TV companies think we'll all be out in the shit weather), tennis, golf, formula 1 (unless they get shit weather) and of course the lack of football.

Ok theres the womens world cup, I don't care, the Copa America , I don't care and why are they all running so fast! In fairness I've only watched 3 games and 2 of them involved Argentina, but at this rate I'm glad no Arsenal players are involved in the competition because the intensity is such that I'd expect them to be out injured for about 7 years. Slow down lads ye'll hurt yereselves.

One tournament I must mention is the U17 World Cup taking place in Mexico and anyone who watched the semi final between the hosts and Germany will know what I'm talking about, what a game. The passion, skill and will to win of these young players is truly awe inspiring. Particularly the Mexican defender Julio Gomez who scored Mexico's opener, then was involved in a terrible clash of heads in Mexico's equalizer, which would have normally resulted in a trip straight to the hospital, but because they had used all their substitutes saw him rejoin the fray with about 5 kilos of bandages swathed about his head, to pop up in the 90th minute with a bicycle kick to score the winner. Truly Roy of the Rovers stuff and hats off to the young man.

It promises to be a great final between the hosts and Uruguay on Sunday night and will be streamed live on FIFA.com.

Anyway on to matters Arsenal and what a summer of non-events, speculation and outright lies. Bookies creating mischief making us odds on to sell/buy player X/Y, I'm totally sick of it all at this stage. The (hopefully) incumbent Gervinho has had so many medicals he must feel like he's been kidnapped by aliens. And he still hasn't officially signed. Don't they realize what they are doing to us, some one Arsene, players just make a statement.

Why do Footballers need such long holidays? Surely two weeks should do them, it does everybody else. Think of it a 2 week break, a 2 week transfer window, bliss.

But what bugs me most about Summer is the amount of Football stories in the media, they don't write half as much when the Football is actually on. And who are these 'sources' I keep reading about, do they only work in the Summer?

> Erm.... Hello!

> Hello, this is a journalist bloke from the newspapers, you know, I wonder can you tell me whats going on?

> Look I only cut the grass everybodys on holidays.

> Aw c'mon give me something mate.

> Fabregas?

> Thats old news everyones got that, what about Nasri?

> What about him?

> Is he happy in the team, are the team happy with him?

> Well they all seem pretty united to me.

> Do you think he wants out?

> Look I only cut the grass, I dont know anything, I've told you 20 million times!

> Right...Nasri...United....20 million..cheers mate!!

EL FILTH!! via Google Translate.

So another transfer window has barely opened and I am already sick of the endless rumour, speculation, lies and will he won't he.  Clicking on spurious sites to read absolute bollocks about who's leaving/arriving, and trying to decipher the Cesc stories in the Spanish press through the insanity of Google Translate.


I've often wondered do football fans in other countries have to suffer through the weird adjectives and bizarre language like we have to, so this is my version of their hell.  Enjoy...

                             Fabregas Goes Home To His House?

Barcelona have told today, in a radio, Cesc Fabregas is a lunatic who wishes to end all the shouting by returning to the house where he was born as a baby.

Fabregas, of the Arsenal, is sad to be without a trophy as his childless friends have once again captured the Champions League, once again.

Arsenal controller, Arsene Wenger ejaculated furiously,

   " Fabregas is in my engine, and perhaps we have business with Real Madrid but for millions of Euro"!

Pep Guardiola has shouted loudly at the papers with his captain, and Barcelona have a budget.

Barca heroes, Puyol and Pique are lovers and have cried about him.

A man who speaks has said maybe this summer, it might not happen, but has difficulty closing his door.

                                Nasri Tries To Escape!

Arsenal player who is tricky, Samir Nasri who is a Frenchman and can be in the middle or wide right, is saying he will not write his name until Arsenal make him rich.  But there is a twist that has come out, with Rio Ferdinand says he wants to love him at Manchester United.  Patrice Evra, ( also a French Player for France), has urged Nasri to love him also, because they have beaten the Premiership.

Nasri has given abuses to a man on Twitter to who he said,
         " Come on my face and say that, you c****,,,,, er,,,,,,* " !

A man who speaks, says nothing!

                               5 Million For Clichy, You Are Laughing At Me!!

Defender of Arsenal,Gael Clichy, has been buggered by Liverpool for 5 million.  Clichy who like the other French, has refused to write a contract for an Arsenal man, is said to be sad.

Wonderings have begun at Arsenal about who will make them happy if he leaves.

Scotland man, Kenny Dalglish, who couches Liverpool has remained tight in his lips, after the team has also signed a man (Henderson) from Sunderland.  The man is said to have two feet and paid 20 million to the Mersey.

                             Jenkinson Writes On Paper for Arsenal.

A man is blowing a trumpet when Charlton the Athletes player Carl Jenkinson arrives for 1 million pounds.

He likes the team the big man said and his Grandfather for 40 years.

He can play in three places and is very cross.  He also likes drinking and Tony Adams.

A man took his picture on Tuesday and a man who speaks says Hello!

Come on us again, next week at a different time, for more news about a player and a man from France.

Up Your Arse!!

No More Heroes Anymore !

Tucked away in the last chapter of Arsenal legend Eddie Hapgood's autobiography, 'Football Ambassador',  is an extraordinary letter.  The letter is from Red Army Lieutenant Alexander Divochkin, captain of the Central Red Army House Team ( later to become CSKA Moscow ) and Hero of the Soviet Union.  He starts by recounting how he followed Hapgoods career with Arsenal and England with great interest and his sense of comradeship with a fellow footballer and 'fighter of fascists',( Hapgood was in the RAF ), before going on to describe, with great humility, how he earned his Hero of the Soviet Union.

In July of 1941, Divochkin was second in command of an artillery battery outside the city of Petrozavodsk, when a far superior German force attacked from the forest on the outskirts of the city.  The Soviets under a massive bombardment from artillery and mortar suffered terrible losses ( a whole platoon was wiped out in twenty minutes ) including the battery commander.  Without food for two days the situation was extremely desperate when Divochkin took charge.

He rallied the remaining troops and they had just begun to counter attack when an enemy shell exploded dangerously close to their ammunition setting the brushwood alight.  Divochkin began dragging the high explosive shells out of the path of the fire while continuing to fire at the enemy when his gun was hit wounding him in the process.  He quickly moved to another gun, still dragging the ammo out of the fire, when that too was hit wounding him again.  He dragged two artillery pieces into position, and firing both guns alternately managed to push the Germans back to the tree line.  He kept this barrage up for a further twelve hours until his unit was reinforced.

Divochkin went on to fight in the Battle of  Kursk, and took part in the campaigns to liberate Ukraine, Hungary, Austria and Czechoslovakia from the Fascists.  He was awarded the Order of Lenin 1st and 2nd class, declared a Hero of the Soviet Union and promoted to Lieutenant Colonel.  He died suddenly in 1946 aged just 32.  In his letter to Hapgood he said;

  " Give my compliments to your club friends and tell them that our sportsmen are fighting
     in the front lines with redoubled energy, and in each of us burns the desire to wipe the 
     Fascist rascals from the face of the Earth."

Shortly after the war, in November 1945, Moscow Dynamo came to England to play 3 games amid much hype and excitement.  They beat Cardiff City 10-1, then drew with Chelsea 3-3 at a packed Stamford Bridge, before taking on Arsenal at White Hart Lane ( Highbury suffered severe bomb damage during the Blitz ).

The game kicked off in heavy fog amidst controversy over Arsenals strengthening of a much depleted squad, with several players from other teams ( including Stanley Matthews ) added at the last minute.  The referee refused to abandon the match despite zero visibility, arguing that the opposition had come all the way from Russia, and the game went ahead quickly descending into farce when Arsenal had a player sent off for fighting   who promptly sneaked back onto the pitch unnoticed.

Dynamo went on to win the game 4-3 despite Arsenal losing their keeper who had bizarrely knocked himself out when colliding with the upright, he was replaced by a member of the crowd.

Years later it was discovered that the star player for the Soviets, Vsevolod Bobrov, was not even a Dynamo player but instead belonged to bitter rivals Divochkin's Central Red Army House Team, Dynamo were the team of the Secret Police.

Now, when I look at our crest and I see the cannon, I think of Alexander Divochkin, defending a hopeless position against all odds.  I think of Eddie Hapgood, and the connection those two men felt across war ravaged Europe.  Comrades in battle. Forever entwined in War and Football.  Last word then to Hapgood;

" There was a feeling, that, once you put on an Arsenal shirt, nothing could go wrong, that your team was better than all the others.  'Arsenal Atmosphere' it was called by those on the outside, but we knew it was team spirit, an indefinable something which carried us to the heights, kept us there, and which won us games, that by all laws and rights, we should have lost ".

Gooners Promise to Endeavour to Persevere!

Ah well, another season has come and gone, leaving us all a bit flat. Gone for ever the heady promise of last August, the football fans pre-season hope, the pernicious referees, the 4 goal leads, the defensive collapses, the inevitable litany of injuries, promise collapsing to inevitable failure.

This season saw Arsene deviate from his usual policy of playing the second string in the Cup games in an attempt to garner any kind of silverware to placate the heaving masses, we fielded stronger sides than usual but ended up with the same result. Fuck all! If you throw a bone to a dog he will catch it, but if you throw more than one bone he will try to catch them all, and end up catching none. I hope next season we just concentrate on the Premiership, after all thats the one trophy we want. Fuck the Champions league, there I've said it, time to just catch that one juicy bone.

Highlights of the season, the emergence of Wilshere, Sczcezny and a fit Van Persie. Beating Utd, City and Chelsea, that incredible night against Barcelona, when the Landlord of my local rushed his dinner to get behind the bar thinking the Pub was packed when there was only 7 of us Gooners, making enough noise for 50!!

The low points, everything else.

Everybody remembers when they started supporting a particular team, in Ireland its usually based on success, after all nobody wants to support losers, thats why I feel these last trophyless seasons have had a severe effect on potential future fans. Picture the scene in the playground,

 > My team has won the League again and are in the Chamions league final..


 > My team won the double last year, ok this year we finished second but we are going to buy loads of brilliant new players and we will be back with a vengeance next season.


 > My team are trophy-less again but thanks to prudential financial management are once again in a healthy position going forward!


 > ........?


> Lets beat him up.

We are losing these fans of the future and we are losing them at an alarming rate, and when you lose fans you will inevitably lose players as well.

This morning I received my Red Membership renewal form in the post. Enclosed was a form letter from Le Boss which began with "Dear John" to make it seem personal. One paragraph stood out for me,

" During next season, you will experience some very special moments, for example, we will be playing in a kit with an anniversary crest that honours our founding fathers at the time when they came together in the Royal Oak pub in Woolwich to form what we know today as Arsenal Football Club."

On reading that paragraph I was immediately reminded of the scene in The Outlaw Josey Wales in which Chief Dan George tells of his encounter with the government in Washington..

 > They brought us up to Washington and the Senator told us we should Endeavour to Persevere..the papers had our picture on the front with the line "Indians Promise to Endeavour to Persevere". We went back home and we thought about it for a long time..Endeavour to Persevere...and when we had thought about it long enough...we declared war on the Union.

Man Utd and Their Part in my Downfall !!

Here, in Ireland, we say you can't throw a stone on the street without hitting a Man Utd fan there are so many of the fuckers about. I hate them in that gloriously irrational football way, profound hatred, I can only give you a vague illustration of it like this...

> People of Earth we have come from a dubiously named planet in some galaxy far away, we come because we have long been admirers of the sport you call Football and we wish to offer you a challenge, our greatest team against your greatest team, Manchester United. If your team wins we will give you all our technology, interstellar flight, unlimited resources and the secret to eternal life. However if your team loses your entire population will be subjected to slavery for all time. People of Earth what say you to our challenge?


> What kind of slavery?


> What?


> What kind of slavery? Basic denial of all freedom or mining for some madey up mineral on some Moon with big, ugly blokes with whips?


> The first one, the denial of freedom thingy.


> That doesn't sound so bad. Come on the aliens, batter the scum!!

Yes thats how much I hate them. When we beat them last week there was one Man U fan in the pub, yet yesterday there was hundreds of the fuckers, they kept popping up everywhere, in the smoking area, in the loo, patronising me, sneering bastards.

At the end of our game I turned to make a point to my fellow Gooners and was immediately shouted down and accused of always defending Wenger, which I never do by the way, the mood amongst the Gooners is decidedly ugly at the moment and probably going to get worse over the summer, what with price increases etc. How the fuck can my red membership go up by 33%!! Plus 6.5% increase on tickets!! Now fair play if the money is reinvested in the team but if they think I'm paying extra to keep Denilson and Bendtner in caviar sandwiches they can fuck right off!!

Ok we have Stan Kronke taking over and he assures us that Arsenal will not be liable for any loans he may have taken to facilitate his take over and we must believe him right? I mean if you can't trust an American billionaire then who exactly can you trust...eh?

Anyway thank God theres only two more games before the torture is over for a few months, then 'tis summer and the Hurling is back. For those of you who dont know what Hurling is think of Stoke with clubs. Tipperary,my home county, are all Ireland champions and this brings me nicely to a player I think we should sign this summer, Readings Shane Long. Now before you all start going apoplectic think about it. He played hurling ( 2 all Ireland minor titles) so he's nearly impossible to knock off the ball he's scored 26 goals this season and in Irelands recent friendly with Uruguay reduced their captain to tears. I reckon we'd pick him up for around two million!! Small change for Stan.

Those Whom the Gods Seek to Destroy, They First Make Mad

There is considerable excitement among biblical scholars today with the discovery of ancient texts in the Golan Heights. The texts are believed to be fragments of the lost Gospel of saint Jerome and are said to be the most accurate accounts of the early days of Jesus Christ. Below is a translated version, from the ancient Aramaic, said to be the story of the wedding feast of Cana except later that same day.

And lo the disciples were in a quandary over what to do when the great feast would end. Simon, who was called Peter, was of the opinion that they should all go on to a club, but Judas Iscariot, did point out that they were all well and truly brassic with nary a shekel between them. At this the Lord did produce a parchment from his robes and said unto them.

 > Oh ye of little faith, have I not said that the Lord our God would provide, for I have done seven aways at Ladbrokes, and if it doth come in we will be sorted.

The Lord did then request the tavern keeper to turn over to Final Score and a great hush did fall on all present. The Lords face did light up at the results, but suddenly his countenance did grow grave and a dark shadow did appear on his face. The disciples were taken by a fit of terror at this and entreated the Lord to speak to them. Jesus did lay down the parchment and spake thus,

 > Aaaah!..........Bollix. Arsenal let me down for five grand, they were fucking 3-0 up at half time what the fuck happened? Six aways out of seven, look.

 He did hand the parchment to Simon, who was called Peter, who did pronounce,

 > Christ you even had Shrewsbury Town!

 > I know I even had Arbroath, fuckin' even Arbroath won away.

The Lord then bade every one be quiet and spake thus,

 > Lo I wish it be known that from this day forth Arsenal shall be cursed by me. I shall call down every torment known only to the Angels of Heaven upon them. Firstly I shall send them a man from the east to lead them and great shall be their glory. Trophies will abound yea even doubles shall be theirs, they shall even go a whole season without loss and shall garner for themselves the name 'Untouchables' or some clever variation. I shall let them even get to a Champions League final before my wrath will strike. From that day on their followers shall know only pain, I shall not cause them to be demoted or any such crassness I shall doom them to be nearly good and though victory be always in their sight then shall they stumble. Their followers shall turn on their saviour from the east, and indeed turn on each other in forums and social networks and the like. I tell thee they shall suffer an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I shall torment them and fling their prayers into the maelstrom.

 With that the Lord did get up from the table and bade his disciples stay as he was heading out to the desert to wander about for a bit.

Scholars are at a loss as to what the fragment signifies with some declaring it a prophesy of the fall of the Roman Empire, while other opinions range from the death of Communism to the arrival of the Credit crunch. Other fragments are currently being translated and we await their findings with great interest.

There's More To Life Than Victory (But Not Much More)

Last Sunday was an historic day for me. It was the the first time, that I can remember, that I missed an Arsenal game by choice. No contact at all, no TV, no radio, phone switched off.

I decided instead to venture to Loughtagalla Park for an end of the season derby game in the North Tipp League Division 1, Thurles Celtic against Borroway Rovers.

I should explain that the Borroway Rovers Manager/Coach is my good friend and fellow Gooner, Bernard 'Bomber' Keane, and I wanted to see football from his point of view.  Football with all the glamour, hyperbole and filthy lucre stripped out. Football being played for the sheer love of the game, victory for victories sake,without baubles and financial baggage. Our game, the game we've forgotten.

The goal for Borroway was simple, win and automatic promotion to the Premier division, draw meant a play off place. An unthinkable loss meant stalemate, still, no disgrace for a team that had just been promoted. Thurles Celtic were playing for pride, a victory over their rivals with whom they shared the ground.

As the teams kicked off in the glorious sunshine, it struck me straight away how difficult it is, at pitchside, to work out the formations teams employ. We are so used to the elevated stadium or zoom in TV view of the action that we miss this elemental football, this uncut heave ho!, grunting tackle and sheer heft of the action. Anyway, I eventually twigged that Borroway were playing a 4-5-1 with Wayne Keane doing a sterling job as the lone striker, holding up the ball and getting the Borroway midfield quickly up in support at every opportunity.

Thurles Celtic's strategy seemed to be to hoof it up to their pacy front men and rely on their mobility and skill to cause Borroway problems, but Rovers had their own Tony Adams (Shane Ryan) at the heart of the defence who cleared every ball whether on the ground or in the air, if only Arsenal had a centre half like that with that kind of commitment and that kind of prescence.

With two goals from Wayne and one from Shane (an Adamsesque header from a corner), Borroway were cruising towards half time when Celtic pulled one back from a poorly defended throw in, cue all sorts of panic until the blessed relief of the half time whistle.

So half time, and the players took on much needed water and nicotine (I kid you not) to sustain them for the run in, followed by the most bizarre half time team talk I have ever witnessed. First, came instructions and words of encouragement from the Coach, then more or less the same from his assistant, followed by the Captains thruppence worth and then the supporters instructions!!

" Keep it tight! We're not safe yet! Game of two halves! Remember thou art mortal!"

Second half kicks off and Celtic score again 3-2!! Squeaky!!

There is a phenomenon in football no matter what level its played, from schoolboy to professional, that I call 'herding'. You know what it is, when a team are tired and trying to hold onto a lead, they invariably start to defend deep and clump together, leaving huge gaps down the flanks for the opposition to exploit. Sure enough Borroway started to 'herd' and Celtic launched attack after attack!

Ah but then Bomber pulled his masterstroke bringing on Borroways own Theo, Damian Troy, a skillful and speedy winger who pushed back the Celtic full back, and completely shattered their strategy. Suddenly they were the ones hanging on, and frankly the final score of 3-2 flattered them somewhat.

So back to the Pub and finding out the Gunners had dispatched Blackpool and I could finally unclench my buttocks, what a great day.

I spoke to a few of the Borroway players in the pub and what struck me was their humility. No triumphalism, no gloating, just satisfaction at a job well done, respect for their opponents and a deep, deep, camraderie for their team mates. If Arsenal had half of these guys team spirit we would be unbeatable, maybe we are fettered by ego and money and fear of failure. I leave the last word to Bomber a football legend, a man who gives everything to it, who truly epitomizes 'eat, drink, sleep, football'.

Clockend5: Well, bomber, start of the season, newly promoted, what was your target this season?


Bomber: To stay in the 1st division.


Clockend5: And now you're in the Premiership, what are your targets for next season?


Bomber: To stay in the Premiership.

Nostalgia, Heresy and the Great Leap Forward!

" Nostalgia is memory with the pain removed. The pain is today."
                   - The Past is a Foreign Country - David Lowenthal.

There is a phenomenon in advertising where companies, during difficult and recessionary times, rely on nostalgia to sell their products. The rationale being that evoking a stable and more confident time will encourage us to part with money we patently don't have, and associate their product with positivity and well being.

Nostalgia allows us to view the past selectively, filtering out the bad memories, the dross, the banal and allows us to focus on good times, long summers and, most importantly, glory. Linda Hutcheon in her seminal essay, Irony, Nostalgia and the Post Modern states that;

 " Nostalgia has a distancing effect that sanitizes as it selects, making the past feel complete, stable, coherent safe from the unexpected. "

'Complete', 'stable', 'safe' not exactly the attributes one could apply to the current Arsenal team, but witness how we seek to rectify this. We bring back Lehmann and Aliadiere, talk abounds about the return of Thierry Henry, we regress to a better time, when we were invincible, untouchable, when as a Chelsea supporting friend of mine put it, " If you try to play football against Arsenal, they will destroy you".

Logic dictates that those days are gone forever, but, somehow, nostalgia dictates that we are Arsenal, look upon our work ye mighty, and despair!

But that was then, this is now. Football is immediate, it's about here and now. There is only one important game in football, the one you've just played or the one you're just about to play. Everything else, every victory,every defeat, promise for the future, it all amounts to nothing.

The '89 team did not seek to make history and neither did the Invincibles, we burden the current team with the fact that they did. We demand glory, nothing less. And if glory is not what you want, maybe football is not for you. I don't care about financial stability. I dont give a toss about admiration of our bank balance. I am a Gooner. I demand glory.

After the Blackburn game my mate Johnny, who is the most positive Gooner I have ever known, shocked me by criticizing the team and Wenger. I honestly walked home in a fog of depression, went on Twitter and saw the exact same sentiments. Then I heard our own fans went to blows at the ground, honestly if you looked up 'unprecedented' in the dictionary that would be the picture you would see. Arsenal fans driven to fists!

There is an expression on Twitter that I truly detest and that is 'Hater' . Anybody who expresses any discontent with Wenger, or Wengerian dogma, is leapt upon and declared antiWenger! It reminds me of antiChrist !
A common one on Twitter is the puerile argument " If you know so much, why aren't you the manager", a bit like "If you think the film is shit, why aren't you directing films then?".
The term 'hater' is a bit too similar to 'heretic' for me, anybody who dares question the 'doctrine' is villified. You must believe. There is no middle ground.

Stalin, in pushing for the industrialasation of the Soviet Union, had a series of 5 year plans that were to be completed in 4 years. When we moved to the Emirates I remember saying we wouldn't win anything for at least 3 years. Arsenes 3 year plan was to move to a new stadium, build a new team to ultimately win the Champions League, and show to the world the ultimate model club, financially viable, built from within, victory through a clearly defined ethos. But Football is immediate. We are an impatient lot, we want it now.

We are not idiots, we will not accept that 2+2 makes 5, we will not accept harrasment from the Twitterati KGB and their endless trolling for thought crime. We don't want our players to keep harking back to history, we want them to make their own.

Lets have no more talk about what we were, or indeed, what we will be. It's time for us to celebrate what we are.

Truly, though our element is time,

We are not suited to the long perspectives

Open at each instant of our lives.

They link us to our losses: worse,

They show us what we have as it once was,

Blindingly undiminished, just as though

By acting differently, we could have kept it so.

Phillip Larkin - Reference Back

Back to the Future: 3010 - 3011 End of Season Review.

> Greetings and be well. This is Sky Sports News in Quantum Definition and welcome to our end of season review. We're delighted to be joined by ex Deimos manager Giuseppe Bacci..

> Greetings and be well.

> MK I Football unit Johnny Click..

> Greetings and be well.

> And Paul Mersons head in a jar.

> All right lads!

> We'll start with you Giuseppe, because of the Martian connection. With Phobos winning the title and Deimos finishing as runners up, how much do you think the Martian derbies had an effect on this years title chase?

> Well, obviously they are going to be hard fought games given the fan base of Deimos with its mine workers, and Phobos with their more middle class support, but I think both teams had a strategy over the season to maximize the advantages over the earth bound teams...

> Huh! Advantages..

> Paul Mersons head in a jar, you disagree?

> Yes I bloody do. They're obviously flaunting the rules by training at Martian low gravity, the dog on the street knows it, still the FA do nothing..

> Everythings gravity with you..

> Listen mate I've been in the game a lot longer than you, I've seen all the strokes you Martians pull.

> I am 164 years old and have never seen any gravity cheating by any of our Martian teams..

> I'm flippin' over a thousand years old you little..

> Yeah! But you are just a head, a part of your body you never used during your playing years ironically..

> Now now chaps, Johnny Click, your opinion?

> Yeah right! Lets ask the flippin' washing machine shall we..

> Hey, click, thats machinism!!

> Please everybody can we get back to the matter in hand? Johnny Click, what do you think of the new MK VI 'Indestructible' football units the teams have employed this season?

> Well, Jeff, its click obviously the next generation in the evolution of football. These new MK IV units are indeed click indestructible, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of the game. And even though click the rules limit teams to 2 units per season, they are the future of the game.

> And how do you respond to allegations that City of Manchester United used their units to effectively cheat in the Premiership this season?

> Well click they may have bent the rules slightly but..

> Come on now Johnny Click, the tactic of making your units accelerate to near light speed near the end of games when you need a last minute goal..

> I click dont know what you're implying..

> I mean slowing down time until you score..

> And they have the cheek to accuse us Martians of gravity cheating!

> Excuse me Giuseppe, I click never accused you of cheating..

> Ok, moving on, Paul Mersons head in a jar, what about North London Arsenals season, 3rd place will the fans be happy with that?

> Well I suppose it was a reasonable season for us, I still think we need a goalkeeper and a decent centre half to just push on, and of course the incidents at Stokeingham Rovers in December didn't help.

> Ah yes when your two MK IV units collided and blew up!

> Exactly.

> And what of Tottenham Hotspur Moon Base Epsilon?

> Well, mid table and I have to say building a 60,000 seat stadium on the Moon that has only a population of 5,000 looks as ill advised as the Madrid air disaster when Peter Crouch 'had a go' at flying the plane.

> How click long is it now since they won the top flight?

> One thousand and fifty years Johnny.

> Yes, the fans are getting impatient!

> Speaking of impatience Giuseppe, Liverpool, yet another change of ownership, runners up in the FA cup to Glasgow City?

> Well Jeff it goes to show that a computer can't run a football club, even if it is programmed with Shankly X2 software, its still only a machine.

> click There you go again..

> Well unfortunately we've run out of time folks. Do stay tuned to Sky Sports News in Quantum Definition, coming up next Inter-galactic Anti-Grav Hockey with Jimmy Hill..until next time goodnight!

> Anyone fancy a pint?

> Oooh! click can I come?

> Course you can mate, you can carry me head!!

The Return of Ted Drake.

Oh! the excitement, an audience with Arsene Wenger, I have arrived. At last people are starting to take me seriously, fuck the begrudgers, a momentous occasion and Arsene chose me, yes me!

As I wound my through the expectant ambulances at London Colney, I was palpably, shaking with excitement. I caught sight of the great man resplendent in the spring sunshine, arms folded locked in conversation with a well dressed man with a clipboard who listened attentively. I couldn't help but eavesdrop..

 > Yes, we have had setbacks, but I firmly believe that we have the conviction and the strength to fulfill the promise of these young players, I believe we have the character to fulfill our destiny, and we have the mentality and the fight to do so.

 > Erm...thanks very much!

Arsene turned and greeted me with a friendly smile and a firm handshake.

 > Hello John welcome to Arsenal.

 > I'm sorry I'm a bit early Arsene, I didn't realise you had other interviews.

 > Who him? No he's just here to read the meter, shall we get some lunch?

The plush executive dining room was empty, save for an extremely fat gentleman in a Man Utd shirt who appeared to be eating a whole calf with chips, he looked over towards Arsene and made a throat cutting gesture. A very surly waitress took our orders. Arsene had...

 > A bowl, I believe, of strength and character, and we have targets certainly, and while there may be setbacks we have, I believe, the character in this team, of Oxtail soup, please.

I just had coffee. On with the interview...

 > So Arsene, out of three competitions, long list of injuries, season in the balance, what hope can you give to the fans that we're not going to end this season empty handed?

 > Well, I believe this team has the strength to go on and fulfill their belief and their strength and that is one of their strengths. We will be stronger and have learned lessons to have the character and the strength to be strong, and we firmly believe that we have the self belief to be strong and that's why we have signed Ted Drake until the end of the season, for his strength....Ha I see you choke in surprise and admiration .

 > Ted Drake?

 > Yes, a very strong player with character and strength. We have a very young team, strong with belief, and I believe the strength of our belief will show our character and strength, with Ted who was strong and full of character, and self belief.

 > But isn't he dead?

 > Yes, and obviously a few games away from match fitness ( regular readers will see what I did there ) but I firmly believe he will make a big contribution to the rest of the season due to his strength and his self belief.

 > But Arsene, the fans have been crying out for investment in this team, how will you justify this to them?

 > Ted Drake, I believe, was one of the most successful strikers of this club, with his strength and his belief, and that is what I want my players to have, that enthusiasm and character and belief!

 > So will you start him straight away?

 > Good God no! We are going to give him his own Twitter account.

 > Twitter?

 > Yes! I believe when things are going badly for the team, when the fans don't believe, then our strength will be pictures of Ted Drake with his shirt off and pictures of him and Jack Wilshere playing FIFA 11, this I believe is what our fans want.

 > But thats crazy...

 > Is it? I've just re-signed Lehmann, and he's retired!!

 > But Arsene with ticket prices about to rise next season what do you say to those fans who think any profits should be reinvested in the squad?

 > Ah, but they have. The board have taken the profits from last year and backed us to win the Premiership at   7/1!!

 > Thank you Arsene, and by the way that fat bloke just spat in your soup!!

So Who Really Controls Football? Science or God!

I know this may come as a surprise to some, but there was a time when football didn't exist. Then, two blokes in a pub wondered if you filled a pigs bladder with air could you kick it about? They took their idea to Jules Rimet and football was born. Ok, so I skipped a bit!

But when did God start taking an interest in the beautiful game, surely the omnipotent one is far to busy to care about how Scunthorpe are doing on a Saturday? Still it seems a lot of people firmly believe He really does care about football and takes an active interest in every game.

I am an Atheist and I firmly believe, God or luck or the fact that you're wearing particular underpants, has absolutely no bearing on the fact that you're playing Stoke away. I mean how could it. It's totally illogical and stupid when you think about it.

As I write the news is full of the terrible devastation in Japan and it serves as a timely reminder of the tenuous grip we have on existence, on this tiny rock hurtling through the vastness of Space. Some people are saying that this puts things into perspective. That in the face of such calamities football is unimportant and trivial. Well I disagree, it's at times like these that football is incredibly important. What a glorious affirmation of existence it is, how it draws us all together and indeed how could God ignore it?

While we as supporters have superstitions we are way behind the players themselves, like Paul Ince who wouldn't put his shirt on until he was on the pitch or Lineker refusing to take shots on goal during the warm up, it begs the question, what does it say about a game that relies on skill, fitness and technique that the participants think they need luck as well. All those years training, building strength and fitness, endless hours honing technique, ultimately rely on the foibles of some mischievous deity? And if God does indeed take an interest in football exactly who does he support? Is he for one team over another? Is he a 'band-wagoner', simply favouring the flavour of the month? Or is he just a cheeky fucker messing with our heads? The great armies of the world throughout history all claimed He was on their side. Is football the same? If we score an OG against Spurs is He a Spurs fan and vice versa?

The South African golfer Gary Player famously once said "the more I practice the luckier I get!", and there's the answer right there. In football, nine times out of ten, the better team with the more skillful players will invariably win. You may have exceptions like Cup games but is this not simply an inferior team raising their game against a superior opposition dropping theirs?

With extensive tactical, physical and dietary regimes being put into action by most clubs, science is coming more and more to the fore. I read somewhere recently that footballers may be 'chipped' to enable clubs to have an ongoing and up to date assessment on any players physical condition, allowing them to pre-empt any injuries or dietary problems that may occur.

So what next? Will there come a time when the players are replaced with machines, flawless robots who are never injured, cognizant enough in physics to be able to control trajectory and probability, to take the game to its purest form, where the team with the best engineers will always win, where there will be no more room for God!!

My point is this, football is beautiful, exciting and compelling because it is flawed. It is flawed because we play it and follow it and we are flawed. The Ref, the Linesman, the whole organisation, flawed. The day it becomes perfect in every way is the day it will cease to exist as a sport, then it will be down to two blokes in a pub to come up with something else which we will force God to take an interest in.

So support your fabulously flawed team, and remember that the fact that they're not perfect is the reason you support them in the first place.

And heres to knocking Utd out of the Cup this weekend. We have the better players so we should win easily.

Fingers Crossed!!. COYG.