The following transcript, from a tape of last week’s crucial meeting of the “Gold Cannon Group”, was given to me by a prominent member of that organisation, who I will call Mr X.
The Gold Cannon Group, are a protest bloc whose motto is “Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead”. They have been quietly garnering support amongst disillusioned Arsenal fans, however their aims and opinions in no way reflect the opinions of ClockEnd 5, or any of its affiliates or sponsors. The tapes have been edited for clarity and brevity.
The Chair > Greetings brothers, and welcome to this emergency meeting to discuss next Saturdays protest march, which we are not involved in, in any way, but which we have decided to cancel...
Ø Angry murmurs.
Chair > Order Brothers, this decision was not taken lightly, and as we have a lot to get through this evening, let’s press on shall we?
First of all we plan not to assemble in front of the Blackstock pub in Finsbury Park, and then proceed not to march up St Thomas Rd to the stadium where we won’t...Yes what is it brother?
Ø Pardon me Mr Chairman, but St Thomas Rd gets very busy on match day, may I propose that we not march up Blackstock Rd instead, and not turn off at Ambler Rd?
Chair > Good point brother, we will not march up that route instead. Can I also stress that this will be a peaceful protest so can you all confine yourselves to simply not chanting when you’re not marching and not to not damage public property, remember at all times who you are not representing.
Ø Will we be not carrying placards?
Chair > Yes brother, we will not be carrying placards, but I don’t not want to see any of those cheap, hand written, homemade jobs, I bloody hate them. The committee will not be printing out official placards which I urge you all not to carry, and of course we will not be marching under our official banner, Stop what you’re doing, and do something else instead!
Ø Applause
Chair > I must also inform you that for this protest, while we are not marching we will be joined by members of the group Gooners Against Gravity...
Ø Angry cries.
Chair > Order! Order! I know we haven’t seen eye to eye with GAG in the past but as Wenger...
Ø Booing and stamping of feet, cries of Out,Out,Out!
Chair > As Wenger refuses to buy English players who are not constrained by gravity, we will support GAG to stamp gravity out of football. It’s obvious to everyone in the game that Einstein is a Tottenham supporter and it’s this insidious force that keeps our players rooted to the spot during set pieces. We demand a UEFA investigation into Ferguson, Redknapp and their ilk who continually get away with gravity week after week. Now questions..
Ø When we’re finished not marching and inside the Stadium, do we not boo the players or do we not not boo them?
Chair > Good question brother, I think we’ll leave that up to the individual, it’s up to you to not boo or to not not boo, depending on how you do or don’t feel at the time. Yes you at the back...
Ø What have the silent majority said about us not protesting?
Chair > They have not said that they don’t support us unequivocally.
Ø All of them?
Chair > Well the majority, the majority of the silent majority have not said they don’t fully not support our decision.
No more questions, good. On to the next item, we have decided not to not support the Barnet FC group “Hands off our club you greedy bastards” on their 24 hour fast next week, so I urge you all not to be at Underhill at 8 pm sharp next Saturday...Yes brother?
Ø Will be allowed to not bring soup?
Chair > Oh ....just...Fuck Off!!!
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