Those Whom the Gods Seek to Destroy, They First Make Mad

There is considerable excitement among biblical scholars today with the discovery of ancient texts in the Golan Heights. The texts are believed to be fragments of the lost Gospel of saint Jerome and are said to be the most accurate accounts of the early days of Jesus Christ. Below is a translated version, from the ancient Aramaic, said to be the story of the wedding feast of Cana except later that same day.

And lo the disciples were in a quandary over what to do when the great feast would end. Simon, who was called Peter, was of the opinion that they should all go on to a club, but Judas Iscariot, did point out that they were all well and truly brassic with nary a shekel between them. At this the Lord did produce a parchment from his robes and said unto them.

 > Oh ye of little faith, have I not said that the Lord our God would provide, for I have done seven aways at Ladbrokes, and if it doth come in we will be sorted.

The Lord did then request the tavern keeper to turn over to Final Score and a great hush did fall on all present. The Lords face did light up at the results, but suddenly his countenance did grow grave and a dark shadow did appear on his face. The disciples were taken by a fit of terror at this and entreated the Lord to speak to them. Jesus did lay down the parchment and spake thus,

 > Aaaah!..........Bollix. Arsenal let me down for five grand, they were fucking 3-0 up at half time what the fuck happened? Six aways out of seven, look.

 He did hand the parchment to Simon, who was called Peter, who did pronounce,

 > Christ you even had Shrewsbury Town!

 > I know I even had Arbroath, fuckin' even Arbroath won away.

The Lord then bade every one be quiet and spake thus,

 > Lo I wish it be known that from this day forth Arsenal shall be cursed by me. I shall call down every torment known only to the Angels of Heaven upon them. Firstly I shall send them a man from the east to lead them and great shall be their glory. Trophies will abound yea even doubles shall be theirs, they shall even go a whole season without loss and shall garner for themselves the name 'Untouchables' or some clever variation. I shall let them even get to a Champions League final before my wrath will strike. From that day on their followers shall know only pain, I shall not cause them to be demoted or any such crassness I shall doom them to be nearly good and though victory be always in their sight then shall they stumble. Their followers shall turn on their saviour from the east, and indeed turn on each other in forums and social networks and the like. I tell thee they shall suffer an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I shall torment them and fling their prayers into the maelstrom.

 With that the Lord did get up from the table and bade his disciples stay as he was heading out to the desert to wander about for a bit.

Scholars are at a loss as to what the fragment signifies with some declaring it a prophesy of the fall of the Roman Empire, while other opinions range from the death of Communism to the arrival of the Credit crunch. Other fragments are currently being translated and we await their findings with great interest.

There's More To Life Than Victory (But Not Much More)

Last Sunday was an historic day for me. It was the the first time, that I can remember, that I missed an Arsenal game by choice. No contact at all, no TV, no radio, phone switched off.

I decided instead to venture to Loughtagalla Park for an end of the season derby game in the North Tipp League Division 1, Thurles Celtic against Borroway Rovers.

I should explain that the Borroway Rovers Manager/Coach is my good friend and fellow Gooner, Bernard 'Bomber' Keane, and I wanted to see football from his point of view.  Football with all the glamour, hyperbole and filthy lucre stripped out. Football being played for the sheer love of the game, victory for victories sake,without baubles and financial baggage. Our game, the game we've forgotten.

The goal for Borroway was simple, win and automatic promotion to the Premier division, draw meant a play off place. An unthinkable loss meant stalemate, still, no disgrace for a team that had just been promoted. Thurles Celtic were playing for pride, a victory over their rivals with whom they shared the ground.

As the teams kicked off in the glorious sunshine, it struck me straight away how difficult it is, at pitchside, to work out the formations teams employ. We are so used to the elevated stadium or zoom in TV view of the action that we miss this elemental football, this uncut heave ho!, grunting tackle and sheer heft of the action. Anyway, I eventually twigged that Borroway were playing a 4-5-1 with Wayne Keane doing a sterling job as the lone striker, holding up the ball and getting the Borroway midfield quickly up in support at every opportunity.

Thurles Celtic's strategy seemed to be to hoof it up to their pacy front men and rely on their mobility and skill to cause Borroway problems, but Rovers had their own Tony Adams (Shane Ryan) at the heart of the defence who cleared every ball whether on the ground or in the air, if only Arsenal had a centre half like that with that kind of commitment and that kind of prescence.

With two goals from Wayne and one from Shane (an Adamsesque header from a corner), Borroway were cruising towards half time when Celtic pulled one back from a poorly defended throw in, cue all sorts of panic until the blessed relief of the half time whistle.

So half time, and the players took on much needed water and nicotine (I kid you not) to sustain them for the run in, followed by the most bizarre half time team talk I have ever witnessed. First, came instructions and words of encouragement from the Coach, then more or less the same from his assistant, followed by the Captains thruppence worth and then the supporters instructions!!

" Keep it tight! We're not safe yet! Game of two halves! Remember thou art mortal!"

Second half kicks off and Celtic score again 3-2!! Squeaky!!

There is a phenomenon in football no matter what level its played, from schoolboy to professional, that I call 'herding'. You know what it is, when a team are tired and trying to hold onto a lead, they invariably start to defend deep and clump together, leaving huge gaps down the flanks for the opposition to exploit. Sure enough Borroway started to 'herd' and Celtic launched attack after attack!

Ah but then Bomber pulled his masterstroke bringing on Borroways own Theo, Damian Troy, a skillful and speedy winger who pushed back the Celtic full back, and completely shattered their strategy. Suddenly they were the ones hanging on, and frankly the final score of 3-2 flattered them somewhat.

So back to the Pub and finding out the Gunners had dispatched Blackpool and I could finally unclench my buttocks, what a great day.

I spoke to a few of the Borroway players in the pub and what struck me was their humility. No triumphalism, no gloating, just satisfaction at a job well done, respect for their opponents and a deep, deep, camraderie for their team mates. If Arsenal had half of these guys team spirit we would be unbeatable, maybe we are fettered by ego and money and fear of failure. I leave the last word to Bomber a football legend, a man who gives everything to it, who truly epitomizes 'eat, drink, sleep, football'.

Clockend5: Well, bomber, start of the season, newly promoted, what was your target this season?


Bomber: To stay in the 1st division.


Clockend5: And now you're in the Premiership, what are your targets for next season?


Bomber: To stay in the Premiership.

Nostalgia, Heresy and the Great Leap Forward!

" Nostalgia is memory with the pain removed. The pain is today."
                   - The Past is a Foreign Country - David Lowenthal.

There is a phenomenon in advertising where companies, during difficult and recessionary times, rely on nostalgia to sell their products. The rationale being that evoking a stable and more confident time will encourage us to part with money we patently don't have, and associate their product with positivity and well being.

Nostalgia allows us to view the past selectively, filtering out the bad memories, the dross, the banal and allows us to focus on good times, long summers and, most importantly, glory. Linda Hutcheon in her seminal essay, Irony, Nostalgia and the Post Modern states that;

 " Nostalgia has a distancing effect that sanitizes as it selects, making the past feel complete, stable, coherent safe from the unexpected. "

'Complete', 'stable', 'safe' not exactly the attributes one could apply to the current Arsenal team, but witness how we seek to rectify this. We bring back Lehmann and Aliadiere, talk abounds about the return of Thierry Henry, we regress to a better time, when we were invincible, untouchable, when as a Chelsea supporting friend of mine put it, " If you try to play football against Arsenal, they will destroy you".

Logic dictates that those days are gone forever, but, somehow, nostalgia dictates that we are Arsenal, look upon our work ye mighty, and despair!

But that was then, this is now. Football is immediate, it's about here and now. There is only one important game in football, the one you've just played or the one you're just about to play. Everything else, every victory,every defeat, promise for the future, it all amounts to nothing.

The '89 team did not seek to make history and neither did the Invincibles, we burden the current team with the fact that they did. We demand glory, nothing less. And if glory is not what you want, maybe football is not for you. I don't care about financial stability. I dont give a toss about admiration of our bank balance. I am a Gooner. I demand glory.

After the Blackburn game my mate Johnny, who is the most positive Gooner I have ever known, shocked me by criticizing the team and Wenger. I honestly walked home in a fog of depression, went on Twitter and saw the exact same sentiments. Then I heard our own fans went to blows at the ground, honestly if you looked up 'unprecedented' in the dictionary that would be the picture you would see. Arsenal fans driven to fists!

There is an expression on Twitter that I truly detest and that is 'Hater' . Anybody who expresses any discontent with Wenger, or Wengerian dogma, is leapt upon and declared antiWenger! It reminds me of antiChrist !
A common one on Twitter is the puerile argument " If you know so much, why aren't you the manager", a bit like "If you think the film is shit, why aren't you directing films then?".
The term 'hater' is a bit too similar to 'heretic' for me, anybody who dares question the 'doctrine' is villified. You must believe. There is no middle ground.

Stalin, in pushing for the industrialasation of the Soviet Union, had a series of 5 year plans that were to be completed in 4 years. When we moved to the Emirates I remember saying we wouldn't win anything for at least 3 years. Arsenes 3 year plan was to move to a new stadium, build a new team to ultimately win the Champions League, and show to the world the ultimate model club, financially viable, built from within, victory through a clearly defined ethos. But Football is immediate. We are an impatient lot, we want it now.

We are not idiots, we will not accept that 2+2 makes 5, we will not accept harrasment from the Twitterati KGB and their endless trolling for thought crime. We don't want our players to keep harking back to history, we want them to make their own.

Lets have no more talk about what we were, or indeed, what we will be. It's time for us to celebrate what we are.

Truly, though our element is time,

We are not suited to the long perspectives

Open at each instant of our lives.

They link us to our losses: worse,

They show us what we have as it once was,

Blindingly undiminished, just as though

By acting differently, we could have kept it so.

Phillip Larkin - Reference Back