There is considerable excitement among biblical scholars today with the discovery of ancient texts in the Golan Heights. The texts are believed to be fragments of the lost Gospel of saint Jerome and are said to be the most accurate accounts of the early days of Jesus Christ. Below is a translated version, from the ancient Aramaic, said to be the story of the wedding feast of Cana except later that same day.
And lo the disciples were in a quandary over what to do when the great feast would end. Simon, who was called Peter, was of the opinion that they should all go on to a club, but Judas Iscariot, did point out that they were all well and truly brassic with nary a shekel between them. At this the Lord did produce a parchment from his robes and said unto them.
> Oh ye of little faith, have I not said that the Lord our God would provide, for I have done seven aways at Ladbrokes, and if it doth come in we will be sorted.
The Lord did then request the tavern keeper to turn over to Final Score and a great hush did fall on all present. The Lords face did light up at the results, but suddenly his countenance did grow grave and a dark shadow did appear on his face. The disciples were taken by a fit of terror at this and entreated the Lord to speak to them. Jesus did lay down the parchment and spake thus,
> Aaaah!..........Bollix. Arsenal let me down for five grand, they were fucking 3-0 up at half time what the fuck happened? Six aways out of seven, look.
He did hand the parchment to Simon, who was called Peter, who did pronounce,
> Christ you even had Shrewsbury Town!
> I know I even had Arbroath, fuckin' even Arbroath won away.
The Lord then bade every one be quiet and spake thus,
> Lo I wish it be known that from this day forth Arsenal shall be cursed by me. I shall call down every torment known only to the Angels of Heaven upon them. Firstly I shall send them a man from the east to lead them and great shall be their glory. Trophies will abound yea even doubles shall be theirs, they shall even go a whole season without loss and shall garner for themselves the name 'Untouchables' or some clever variation. I shall let them even get to a Champions League final before my wrath will strike. From that day on their followers shall know only pain, I shall not cause them to be demoted or any such crassness I shall doom them to be nearly good and though victory be always in their sight then shall they stumble. Their followers shall turn on their saviour from the east, and indeed turn on each other in forums and social networks and the like. I tell thee they shall suffer an eternity of wailing and gnashing of teeth, I shall torment them and fling their prayers into the maelstrom.
With that the Lord did get up from the table and bade his disciples stay as he was heading out to the desert to wander about for a bit.
Scholars are at a loss as to what the fragment signifies with some declaring it a prophesy of the fall of the Roman Empire, while other opinions range from the death of Communism to the arrival of the Credit crunch. Other fragments are currently being translated and we await their findings with great interest.