TalkSport Drive on the Higgs Boson..

Adrian Durham > ...aaand good afternoon and welcome to TalkSport Drive and today we’re talking particle physics, yes, up, down, strange, fuzzy, quarks, neutrinos and above all the elusive so called God particle, the Higgs Boson...has Wenger lost the plot?

< stupid music jingle plays>

Darren Gough > Yes, are them blokes that are out foreign, doin’ the right thing that they do do...in finding that thing?

AD > Einstein once claimed that Quantum Theory would never be reconciled with Cosmology because God does not play dice with the Universe, so how can Arsenal fans continue to support Wenger when he is stuck in the past and keeps on stubbornly sticking to E=Mc², he needs to go and go now, Arsenal fans give us a call...

DG > You’re talking rubbish Ade, Einstein was around in what? Like, the 60’s or summat, he has no idea of the formulas they have now..

AD > Like what?

DG > Well, like, say the 4-3-3!

AD > 4-3-3?

DG > Yeah, E= 4-3-3, that’s the modern way, not that Mc Hammer bollocks!

AD > You’re the one talking rubbish, Goughie, anyway to the phones and Professor Brian Cox is on the line, what’s your point Brian?

PBC > I..

AD > Yes.  Come on Brian, make your point.

PBC > Well, the..

AD > I don’t see how you can say that Arsene Wenger has a proper grasp of physics at the Quantum level, surely the Higgs Boson is purely theoretical at best.  Top 4 finish I don’t think so..

PBC > Well, our research suggests...

AD > Research! Research, you’re mugging yourself right off there Doc!

DG > No, you’re muggin’ yourself off Ade.

AD > And you’re muggin’ yourself off an’ all!

DG > No, you are..

AD > You are..

DG > No, you are...

< 30 minutes later>

DG > Right off!

AD > On a serious note, we know that proving the existence of the Higgs Boson will be one of the major events in modern Physics, it’s not called the God particle for nothing and proof of its existence at the Big Bang would go a long way to explain why mass binds itself together when the maths seem to say it doesn’t.  To that end we have Professor Jim Alkhalili on the line...Hello Jim, time for Wenger to step down?

PJA > What?

AD > C’mon Jim, you’re a clever bloke, answer the question..

PJA > Well, the structure of the atom suggests...

AD > Atoms, atoms, everything with you is atoms, stick to the point..

PJA > Research at CERN points to..

DG > Sorry Jim, Jim can I just ask you when the Large Hadrian’s Wall Collider will be up and running, and when will Arsenal start to see some results?

PJA > .....You’re both idiots!   < Hangs up >

AD > Well, Goughy you obviously hit a nerve there, typical Arsenal fan doesn’t want to hear the truth.

DG > A mystery of the Universe Ade?

AD > Indeed Darren, it begs the question, what do we want, all of us, fans, players, management, the TV companies.  An answer to the fundamental questions, where did we come from?  What is our purpose?  What will the end of the Universe look like?  Its only through finding Higgs that we may be able to answer these questions, it’s only by fully understanding the past that we’ll be able to fully understand our future.  These are questions that we want Physics to answer.

DG > Yes Ade, and how did Arsenal let it come to this?

AD > What?

DG > Well they let Fabregas go, they let Clichy and Nasri go, but they got money for them, why did they let Higgs go for nothing?

AD > What are you on about you pillock?

DG > The Higgs Bosman, Ade, the Higgs Bosman!

AD > Oh God!.....Anyway that’s the programme for today, tune in tomorrow when we’ll be talking Black holes, worm holes, nebulae, can we really bend time and why are Tottenham still shit?    Bye.

Cesc We Hardly Knew Ye!!

Sometimes seemingly trivial objects can, over time, take on significance, an indelible link to the past, evoking hitherto unremembered events and investing them with their own peculiar energy.  In this case it’s a ticket stub.  This creased and worn piece of card informs me, with certainty and an indefinable logic, that on the 11^th of February 2006 I was seated in the North Bank, Highbury, Block 5, Row N, Seat 105.  It was the first time I saw Cesc Fabregas play.

They say if you want to have an adventure go drinking with an Irishman.  We will strike up a conversation with anybody, even the obviously insane, and we do not suffer fools.  Consequently the weekend was a catalogue of bizarre incidents, punctuated with encounters with strangers who would temporarily become friends, like the Portuguese guy in the Worlds End pub on Stroud Green road, who helped us solve the conundrum of roaming and telephone codes, a couple of hours later he would tearfully tell me of his profound homesickness and his love for Sporting Lisbon.  Needless to say he stumbled off into the night absolutely shitfaced.  The Gooners in the 12 Pins on match day, who somehow ended up at our table, drinking Powers whiskey with us and swapping brilliant stories of Arsenal legends.  The lady at the Arsenal box office, who on seeing we only had 3 tickets (between 6 of us), bade us wait and returned with 3 more, complimentary ones.  The Landlady of the 12 pins, the lovely Linda, who organized a taxi to pick us up outside our hotel and take us to the airport.  Even the friendly and good humoured Bolton fans who swapped enjoyable banter with us before and after the game.

Impressive as the Emirates undoubtedly is, I still desperately miss Highbury.  The smell of the grass, the brilliant intimacy of the place, and feeling like you could reach out and touch the players.  I remember walking up the steps that day into the North Bank and seeing one of our number, a battle hardened GAA man, with tears in his eyes as he absorbed the spectacle and the grandeur of it all.

I remember Lehmann, after pulling off a spectacular save, turning to us with a look of triumphant madness in his eyes, exhorting us all to, “Fuckin’ come on!!”  But most of all I remember the diminutive Spaniard, gliding over the pitch, pinging exquisite passes effortlessly into the path of team mates.  Pulling the strings as only he could.

I also remember the disgruntled fan shouting, uncharitably, at a rare misplaced pass,”Wenger why are you playing that fucking child!”  Some Gooners, eh?

But I come to praise Caesar not to bury him, and I think the best praise I’ve seen for Cesc was by Jamie Dalton on Twitter who said of him “He could create space with his mind!”  It is this ability to seemingly transcend the laws of physics that separate the good players from the very great ones.

I will choose not to remember the last season he had with us.  Instead I will remember, that goal against Tottenham, the goal in the San Siro, the game against Juventus when he had Vieira in his pocket, coming off the bench against Villa to change the game for us, the penalty against Barcelona, maybe he hasn’t done enough to earn legendary status in the pantheon of great Gunners, but maybe, just maybe, he isn’t finished yet.

“Once a Gunner, always a Gunner.”  – Cesc Fabregas (via Twitter) 16/08/2011.

Advocatus Diaboli - Is Arsene Damned?

The man with toothache thinks all men happy whose teeth are sound - Shaw.

The Devils Advocate was a role in the church given to the person responsible for querying and repudiating all miraculous clams attributed to a candidate for canonization.  They carried out this duty ruthlessly, and were above all bribery and coercion.  These men weren't just impartial, they sat implacably waiting to be convinced and would do their utmost to cut any evidence to pieces.

This summer we have seen Wenger's "trial by Twitter" with even the most ardent optimist being forced to rethink their opinion on his "infallibility".

While I understand the frustration of some fans, the notion that Wenger has somehow forgotten how to manage is frankly, laughable.

People can point to our weakness in defence, our lack of investment in an experienced goalkeeper, our inability to hold onto a lead, our lack of leaders on the pitch, the truth is it's a combination of all the above, coupled with a serious problem with injuries, that has contributed to our downfall.

Just throwing money at these problems is not going to solve them, witness how much Man City had to spend just win an FA cup.

It's no coincidence that we haven't won a trophy since moving from Highbury.  The club is still in transition and could be for another couple of seasons.  We don't have the financial clout to compete with the other clubs in the top four and the truth of the matter is we've been punching above our weight for the last few years, trying to pick up bargain buys or finding players who buy into Wenger's philosophy.

Some Arsenal fans are outraged by the signing of Chamberlain and, predictably, more were outraged at the outrage, the truth is until the FFP rules come into force these are the signings we have to make, players who have massive sell on potential, it's why we wont pay over the odds for a player like Jagielka, he's just too old and too expensive.  Arsene is doomed to rummage around the bargain bins while players wages continue to rise in a business where, you're a pauper if you're only on a measly seventy grand a week.  We can't compete with the crazy money being thrown at players and, in my opinion, we shouldn't.

Too many opposition teams now know the ideal way to play against Arsenal, two defensive lines of four with a big target man up front and a hustling midfielder, we struggle to break down these teams especially when they come to the Emirates.  We have traditionally been strong on the counter attack, but now all the opposition do is foul the player in possession in order to organize their defence and send us back to square one.  Our players don't get enough protection from referees because of the prevailing, media perpetuated, opinion that Arsenal are soft and don't like it up 'em, yet when we go in for a hard tackle we are inevitably and disproportionately punished.

So what does the upcoming season hold for us long suffering Gooners?  Well, one thing I will predict is that it will be totally unpredictable, the usual roller-coaster ride of ecstatic highs and crushing lows, fantastic victories, bewildering defeats and inexplicable draws, maybe we'll make it to another final and then...who knows!!

No matter how well we do, we will hit a bad patch and then the inevitable feeding frenzy will begin.  No matter how many times you see the "Wenger Out!" headline just remember that the media want Wenger to fail, a sentiment sadly shared by some of our fans.  His canonization would be anathema to them.

Me, all I care about right now is beating Newcastle on opening day.  I wont allow myself to look any further than that.

An optimist and a pessimist fall over board...They both drown!