Last Wednesday, while having Tiffin at my club, I received a rather alarming call on my mobile telephone. The colonies, it seems, are rather upset by the current trend towards racism and bigotry that appear to be rife among supporters of the more “common” clubs and our esteemed major shareholder, Mr Kroenke, demands our own chaps do not descend to such base vulgarity in our impending contest against the dirty Spuds.
To that end I have prepared the following handy, cut-out guide to acceptable behaviour. Might I suggest you keep it on your person at all times, or if you feel disposed to have a pre match sherry or one of those “hot doggies”, you entrust it to the care of your driver until kick off.
Firstly, the match officials and specifically the umpire. It serves no purpose to suggest the esteemed gentleman has a penchant for self-abuse, nor indeed proposing that he is visually impaired and the result of hasty copulation with the chamber maid behind the stables. One should be courteous but firm, imagine him to be one of the servants, a loud “Oh I say!”, and an admonishing wag of the finger will carry much more weight than the dreadful “you don’t know what you’re doing!”. Remember one is not from Northumberland!
On the subject of goal minders, an odd and decidedly eccentric lot, particularly our own foreign chappie. Indeed I once obliquely referred to his unruly hair style by enquiring of him whether he was “off to Woodstock” or some other beatnik jazz festival, to which he gave no reply, just stared at me blankly. Blankly I say! One should of course endeavour to give him every encouragement and try not to soil oneself at every back pass. As for the scum’s antiquated, Villa reject, might I suggest a rousing “Ooooooooooh.........you have an extremely poor shots to saves ratio!” Hilarious.
Should the unthinkable happen and our brave boys put in a below par first half performance, then before you retire for a bracing half time glass of port, or cup of beef tea, I entreat you not to resort to the, frankly common, practise of “booing”. Restrict yourself to an angry “tsk tsk” or perhaps an admonishment towards the bench, along the lines of “Mr Wenger I protest at your tactics, I protest loudly Sir!” On no account should you partake in the vulgar exhortation for him to “spend some money”. May I remind you that we have frozen season ticket prices at 100 Guineas, what one would be expected to pay for a good day out at Ascot, including luncheon!
Now to the subject of derogatory chants towards the filth from down the road. Umbra in perpetuum est.
Frankly it is not cricket to constantly mention the High German of the Ashkenazi Jews or any variations or abbreviations thereof. Neither is it proper, or noble, to constantly draw attention to their manager’s unfortunate facial tic! Might I suggest the contemporary and cutting
> the Queens shilling, repay the Queens shilling!
Guaranteed to reduce him to a quiver of embarrassed twitchiness and therefore denuding his ability to make tactical decisions,
Here a few other chants you may direct at the Spuds.
Towards their supporters
> You will be perambulated home by the emergency services!
> Stand up if you hate Tottenham, but stand in a purely metaphoric fashion (i.e. the standing is implied but not the action of standing, as it contravenes Health and Safety) plus you may be ejected from the stadium.
Towards Gareth Bale
> You bear a striking resemblance to a Simian Hominid, specifically Pan troglodytes! Lol at that one!
> You Sir are a despicable mercenary; we find your pursuit of filthy lucre to be extremely distasteful!
Towards Scotty Parker
> You may look like Biggles, but you have none of his morals or dignity! Mmmmh Biggles!
> You may think your elaborate hirsuteness calls attention to you, but it merely calls attention to your poor positional sense!
So there you have it, you glorious followers of the Red and White, remember support our brave boys this Sunday against the dastardly forces of evil. Enjoy the game and have a safe happy day, please don’t feel compelled to beat your servants if the result goes against us. Remember Victoria Concordia Crescit, or as Lady Nina was fond of saying...Up the Arse!!!.....Diggidy!!